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The Goddess Speaks Liesl Patterson |
Getting all hot and
bothered by man-sweatA couple of months ago, I read a disturbing CNN health report. According to biologists at the University of Pennsylvania, male perspiration is just the thing to brighten our mood. Yep, women love sweat. We feel so good when we smell it. Can't get enough of it. But not just any sweat -- man-sweat.
Does your man's B.O. really turn your frown upside down? No? I thought so.
But scientists disagree. They sincerely believe we love the smell of man-sweat and have conducted many "tests" to prove their "theory."
(Reminder: They are getting paid to do this!)
These "experts" say that male sweat "helps reduce stress and induces relaxation" in women. I find this to be ironic because just last month, a county in Tennessee actually outlawed workplace body odor. I can imagine the unnecessary stress this must have caused the local female population.
You're probably wondering how one goes about conducting a credible "scientific" experiment. Right away, several manly-outdoorsy-manual-labory-type jobs come to mind as gold mines of man-sweat. The female guinea pigs probably wouldn't have to get too close to their subjects before telling these "biologists" exactly what they were feeling. But no. Researchers actually "collected samples from the underarms of men who refrained from using deodorant for four weeks" (I shudder to think what kinds of men this idea would appeal to), then applied these extracts directly to the women's upper lips.
Just take a moment to let that sink in ... eewwww. I suddenly feel the need to give my face a good scrubbing; on second thought, I'll just take a scorching hot shower until the top layers of my skin peel away. Ahhh, that's better.
I HAVE THE utmost confidence that all women are intelligent beings, so how could these guys have found female test subjects willing to go along with this crazy experiment?
They lied.
Yep, the old bait-and-sweat approach. These innocent victims were told they were testing either alcohol, perfume or lemon floor wax. Alcohol? OK. Perfume? That makes sense. But floor wax??? Now what woman in her right mind would agree to put floor wax under her nose? I can only assume she thought she was getting her upper lip waxed.
I felt it was my moral obligation to warn you all: It's not over yet! Now these guys are wondering if "in a more sensual setting, exposure to these odors might facilitate the emergence of sexual mood or feelings." (Do their mothers know what they're doing?)
Well, it won't be that easy next time, will it, ladies? Let us live by one rule and one rule alone: Never let a man wax your upper lip, especially if said formula comes out of a test tube labeled "Essence of Larry."
Liesl Patterson is a writer and actor in Honolulu.
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