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The Goddess Speaks Jennifer Maleana Hee |
Self-help books
provide plenty
of comic reliefThere are five books sitting on my desk right now: "The Meaning of Life," "What Should I Do With My Life?," "Life Lessons for Women," "Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life" and "Stop Reading These Stupid Books and Do Something With Your Life."
Maybe I am looking for easy answers. When my doctor told me I looked so stressed (thanks adult acne and insomnia!), the very next day I did what any unemployed 24-year-old would do -- I watched six hours of the "Making the Band 2" marathon on MTV.
As I rapidly approached veggie-status on the couch of my parents' one air-conditioned room, I came to the realization that times were a-gettin' desperate. The only solution I could think of was to gather all my self-help books -- that I've paid about as much attention to as my mom when she tries to share the joy of quilting with me -- and actually read them. Yes, it was time to self-medicate and overdose on clichés.
The last time I turned to books for bibliotherapy, I mistakenly sped through "Prozac Nation," "Girl, Interrupted," "The Journals of Sylvia Plath" and "Best Short Stories About Crazy Women Who Engage in the Following Self-Injurious Behaviors: Drugs, Promiscuity, and/or Suicide." I realized I had my own addiction to depressing memoirs. Thank God I found "Reviving Ophelia" and knew everything would be okay.
Back to my current catatonic state -- I chose to skim through "Life Lessons for Women" first, due to its two sentences per page maximum. After five minutes I could barely make out the size 24 font through my tears. The book is hysterical.
True, I consider myself just a smidgen more cynical that your average person who has never been left to want for anything. Still, I felt a few others might be able to see the humor in these suggestions. I'll highlight just a few:
"Do something each day that makes you happy. If you don't know what makes you happy, do the thing that used to make you happy."ONE OF MY former students once told me this profundity that would fit nicely in my anti-life's lessons book: "When life hands you lemons ... throw them back at life and say, "I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID LEMONS!"What if he's married now? Does that count?
"Make decisions by listing the pros and cons down on a sheet and weighing them."
Problem: To eat or not to eat.
Pros:
>> I can attain the ideal body of an adolescent boy.
>> I can save money.
>> I can shop at Baby Gap!Cons:
>> Facial fur.
>> Death.Have a first aid kit and let everybody know where it is.
God, no wonder my life is in chaos! A first aid kit! Of course!
Start a "Victory" journal and write down every success you have.
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Really.
Do your share to save the planet.
Check. I don't eat cow, I malama the aina, and in my free time I try to support legislation regarding the castration of rapists.
Let's be honest, to make lemonade like the original proverb sounds to me just like: "Put on an apron and get in the kitchen, bitch!" I don't even like lemonade, unless by lemonade you mean tequila.
Here's my last thought. I know I don't want what everyone else seems to accept as life: Spending more time at work than with your family, ending up with the feeling that you have never attained enough happiness, power or money. I want my life to be drenched with meaning and discovery, without all this daily structure and expectation. I can't stand that I have to pay for car insurance, that I should eat three to five servings of vegetables a day, and that I ought to learn effective coping skills for my premenstrual rage.
Unfortunately, self-help books only work inside the box. Since I have a lot of time right now, I think I'll take that box and build myself a lemonade stand and do what I do best: Sell tequila and cheap cynicism. Who wants a shot?
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Jennifer Meleana Hee's last post-college stint was as an aerobics instructor at 24 Hour Fitness.
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