Alo-Ha! Friday

Charles Memminger

Song request: Can you
sing ‘Far, Far Away?’

Thousands of Hawaii residents, most of whose singing would make a coqui frog croak, will be lining up at the Aloha Stadium on Monday to try out for the television show "American Idol."

I enjoyed the first season of "American Idol," whose initials curiously also can refer to "Artificial Intelligence," but burned out on it after that. The best part was watching people trying to sing who really had no clue as to how horribly horrible their voices are. I like to sing. But I have a voice that sounds like Bullwinkle on helium. Why can't others hear their own voice? Luckily, Hawaii is top-heavy with singing talent and my bet is a Hawaii Idol will go the whole way.

Now the news:

Cops cancel coffee caper

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) >> A thief tossed piping hot coffee at cashiers working at three stores robbed during a one-hour spree.

Police arrested two men in connection with the robberies that left at least one clerk with serious burns.

(It could have been worse, a police spokesman said. "Thank God we have a 10-day waiting period for cappuccino."

This milk's a real blast

LUBBOCK, TEXAS >> A toxic component of rocket fuel has been found in supermarket milk at levels exceeding the government's recommended safe dose for drinking water.

(There are safe levels of rocket fuel milk? Who knew?)

Snake smuggler snagged

SYDNEY (AP) >> A Swedish man was arrested by customs officers after he tried to smuggle eight dangerous snakes into Australia by strapping them to his legs under his pants, authorities said.

("I'm flattered, really," the defendant said. "But it actually was only seven snakes.")

Pop goes dumb lawsuit

VANCOUVER (AP) >> A Fraser Valley woman is suing Coca-Cola Bottling Co. after suffering an eye injury while opening a bottle of pop.

The suit claims the company failed to warn consumers of the serious risk in ordinary handling of a pop bottle.

(Lady, the fact that it's called "pop" wasn't a clue?)

Honolulu Lite on Sunday:

I'm not surprised that one of the Haleiwa North Shore signs has been stolen again. Those things are so damn beautiful, I wanted to steal one myself. Obviously everyone wants one, so why isn't there a Haleiwa North Shore Sign Store?

Quote me on this:

"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with." -- Denis Leary

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.


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