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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
So much to worry
about, so little timeAS regular readers know, I suffer from a rare psychological disorder I call pre-traumatic stress syndrome.
Pre-traumatic stress syndrome is like it's more famous brother, post-traumatic stress syndrome, except where sufferers of the second disease only have to worry about some horrible thing that has already happened to them, sufferers of pre-traumatic stress syndrome worry about all the horrible things that are happening now or could happen in the future.
HERE ARE some of the things I've been worrying about lately:
>> Why doesn't Hawaii have a Democrat running for president? If Howard Dean, running from Vermont or Rhode Island or one of those other tiny little states in the top right corner of the country, can get so much press attention, why can't someone from Hawaii?
There currently are, I believe, 426 Democrats running for president and not one from Hawaii, the most Democrat-laden state in the union. Run, Waihee, run!
>> Why is anyone who acts in smutty films considered a "porn star"? Surely there must be some actors in the pornography industry who aren't very good. So why are the called stars?
>> With the bus strike on, how are bus drivers getting to the picket lines? It's a known fact that most bus drivers are also bus passengers when not on duty. This strike must be a great inconvenience to them. Are they mad at themselves?
>> If a dog barks nonstop in a forest for three hours and nobody hears him, is he still a bad dog? (Curse the reader who sent this question to me.)
WAIT, there's more:
>> Why is it that when you intercede you are trying to make things better, but when you cede you are just giving up?
>> Why did California's Gray Davis' parents name him Gray? Was he a boring baby? Did they not want him to get his hopes up? If they had named him Mauve or Chartreuse, would the recall election be going on?
>> Why are people often overwhelmed but never whelmed?
>> A priest who sexually assaults boys or girls obviously doesn't believe in God, or he'd know he is going to rot in hell for eternity. So why does the church protect the fake priest and want him on staff? That's like NASA hiring astronauts who think the world is flat.
>> Do dogs think garbage collectors are "stealing their stuff"? (Curses, again.)
>> Why do local television weather announcers say there will be "mauka showers" but never "makai showers"?
>> Following up on a thought from a column last week: Why doesn't the United Nations divide its member countries into two categories: countries people try to sneak into and countries people have to sneak out of? Wouldn't everyone have a better idea of who the good guys and bad guys are?
>> We call flies "flies," so why don't we call ants "walks"?
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
