|
Sidelines Kalani Simpson |
Superfan takes
solace in USC winRAINBOW Joe was conflicted. He was losing it. He was intense. He's always intense.
This was supposed to have been, finally, a chance for the world's biggest UH fan to relax. No Hawaii football game this weekend, and this guy lives for UH football games.
He fancies himself a "Superfan," like DaBullsss! guys on "Saturday Night Live." Which is a pretty good comparison, as he does possess a certain George Wendt quality.
He believes in the 'Bows (DaBowsss!) under any circumstances. He's painted a giant "H" on the roof of his car (kind of like "The Dukes of Hazzard"). He will do anything to work the word "Kafentzis" into everyday conversation.
He will often wear a Larry Arnold "throwback" jersey to formal events.
So this was the weekend, a bye, to finally join normal society for 48 hours.
Well, you know what happened.
BYU. USC. (On ABC.)
He couldn't not watch this game.
Not with its implications. Not with its participation.
USC. The powerhouse Hawaii visits this week. BYU. Those goody-goody evildoers every UH fan loves to hate. And nobody despises BYU like a guy named Rainbow Joe.
I had to see this.
You see, he needed to see some sort of weakness in USC. With every fiber of his being he needed to see BYU throttled then buried then dug up and throttled again.
His head almost exploded just thinking about it.
We settled in to watch the game.
One of the best parts was the pregame interview with BYU coach Gary Crowton, who was asked if his team was nervous coming into the storied Los Angeles Coliseum. No, Crowton said, none of his players were nervous. But look ...
"He cannot even breathe!" Rainbow Joe said.
We took great pleasure in this.
(Speaking of pregame interviews, what a nice, mild-mannered, just-happy-to-be-here innocent young man Mike Shula is. That poor guy. Those people are going to eat him alive. You haven't seen it coming like this since Cris Judd. I give it four games before Alabama fans throw a riot in his front yard.)
The first quarter was incredible. Rainbow Joe had that Gary Crowton gasping-for-air look. This USC defense was every bit as good as everyone said it was. We almost felt bad for BYU.
(Quiz: Can you ever really feel bad for BYU? Answer: No.)
Then came the projection on every play.
"Komine would have hung on to that ball."
"Hyrum would get there to cover that guy, I'm not worried."
Then, an awkward pause, after a bad block, as Rainbow Joe realized he had no idea who Hawaii's right tackle was going to be in a week. But still, he would have done better, whoever he turns out to be.
"Eh, good thing Timmy doesn't throw bad interceptions like that."
I look at him, sitting there with his H-hat, the one equipped with a Nate Jackson ponytail (sold separately), for five seconds.
Ten.
Fifteen seconds.
"Oh, OK, couple times. But not this year! You watch!"
Halftime. Pete Carroll sounded upset, and understandably so. We saw what his team could do. He should be up by 40.
(The most entertaining aspect of the broadcast, Part II: the OTS "give it up" commercial. No matter how you feel about the bus strike, does anyone really believe the slogan, "Be patient, the raises will come"?)
In the third quarter Rainbow Joe didn't know what to do with himself. This was the inner conflict I had been waiting to bubble to the surface. BYU had a chance -- that meant Hawaii had a chance! Oh, yeah! But what was he saying?!
"Are you actually cheering for BYU?" I asked.
Stink eye. "No!"
Good. I would have to kick you out of my house.
Finally, in the last four minutes, the real USC showed up again. The Trojans pulled away. The BYU quarterback was dragged off the field all but unconscious. Yeah, USC was the real deal.
But we'd seen what we needed to see. It had worked out perfectly for the superfan, who was doing a Dana McLemore punt return around the room.
"June Jones is going to carve these guys up," he said, rubbing his hands gleefully. And even better, in the end, the hated Cougars had taken a pounding.
"I feel good about this," Rainbow Joe said as he got into his H-mobile, the one with the "Hawaii 5-0" horn. "I feel reaaal good."
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com
