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Alo-Ha! Friday Charles Memminger |
Mars moves in for
earthly love connectionMars moved closer to Earth this week than it has in 60,000 years, to which I can only say, "Back off, big boy, that might work with alien chicks, but not for Earthlings."
A completely reliable expert on aliens with irrefutable credentials who would never intentionally make up anything on purpose says that we can expect a baby boom of half-Martian, half-human babies as a result of Mars coming so close. Andy Reiss says that the Martians impregnate Earth girls telepathically, and I believe him because it's been my experience that Martians always have been afraid of personal, tentacles-on commitments.
Now the news:
Bad dream was no joke
BANGKOK (AP) >> A Thai ice-cream truck driver died laughing in his sleep. Damnoen Saem-um, 52, laughed for about two minutes while sleeping and then stopped breathing, his wife told authorities. She said she tried to wake him up, but he just kept laughing.(Doctors believe the man suddenly got the punch line of a joke a little kid told him on his ice-cream route. The boy has been charged with unintentional joke slaughter.)
Santa is dead -- sort of
MUNDELEIN, Ill. (AP) >> Yes, Virginia, Santa Claus is dead. At least, a man who legally changed his name to Santa Claus is dead.Robert Rion, 6 feet tall and weighing 300 pounds, legally changed his name to Santa after decades of playing him at Christmas.
He died of a heart attack at the age of 59.
(Authorities believe if he had changed his name to Easter Bunny and lost a couple hundred pounds, he might have lived a tad longer.)
Accident was not a drill
TRUCKEE, Nevada (Fortean Times) >> A construction worker has been dubbed "Miracle Man" by friends after he survived falling off a ladder and being impaled through the head with an 18-inch-long auger drill bit.Doctors said the drill bit amazingly pushed the brain aside after entering the man's right eye and exiting the skull. They said the man will recover with relatively minor injuries.
('Relatively minor' being relative, considering a steel shaft went entirely through his head.)
'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
Getting old is no joke, literally. A new study says that the older you get, the harder it is for you to understand the punch lines of jokes. Take a test in Sunday's "Honolulu Lite" to find out just how far gone your "humor lobe" may be.
Quote me on this:
"I hate quotations." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society
of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears
Tuesdays, Thursdays , Fridays and Sundays.
E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
