|
Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Your chance at
distinguished commentaryWe're going to do something different today. Today, many of you will get to live your lifelong dream of becoming a big-time newspaper columnist. Or at least a co-columnist, since I'm going to have to help you out a little. Here's how it will work: I'll set up the basic structure of the column, but you will make all the key decisions that are the difference between a column being bird-cage floor covering or Pulitzer Prize material. Just circle your pick from the multiple choices offered, sign your name and fax off your first column to friends and neighbors. Good luck!
Have you ever noticed that those --a. members b. knuckleheads c. un-indicted co-conspirators -- over at the -- a. City Council b. Legislature c. Keeaumoku Street strip club d. All of the above -- spend -- a. our money b. their money c. counterfeit money -- hand over -- a. fist b. ankle c. nostril -- simply to -- a. buy votes b. get drunk c. have sex d. all of the above?
It is -- a. clear b. annoying c. soooooo typical -- that our elected -- a. representatives b. bozos c. nitwits -- don't care about anyone but -- a. themselves b. the Dalai Lama c. Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson d. Enter name of peculiar family relative here: . They -- a. throw b. catapult c. smack -- our -- a. money b. puppies c. linguini -- around like there's no -- a. tomorrow b. yesterday c. Santa Claus -- while we -- a. bust b. break c. fold, spindle or mutilate -- our -- a. buns b. carbuncles c. children -- just trying to make -- a. ends b. cousins c. the Palestinians and Israelis -- a. meet b. mud-wrestle c. converge at the event horizon of a black hole. How much -- a. more b. less c. whoopee -- are we expected to -- a. take b. make c. forsake?
As a registered -- a. voter b. sex offender c. Democrat d. all of the above -- I think we should -- a. organize b. instigate c. turn a blind eye -- to a -- a. massive b. tiny c. very messy -- a. recall, b. bloody coup c. great big ol' topless street party -- to let those -- a. officials b. hopeless geezers c. future inmates -- know that we mean -- a. business b. to consult a lawyer c. to take a short nap soon.
They need to -- a. know b. be afraid c. acknowledge bitterly -- that we are -- a. mad b. giddy c. as slightly amorous -- as -- a. hell b. Hades c. the eternal fiery abyss d. June Jones after his contract was made public -- and we aren't going to -- a. take b. fake c. Shake 'N Bake -- it anymore!
I urge all of you -- a. readers b. pathetic losers c. naked people -- to -- a. phone b. write c. chastise D. stone -- your -- a. congressman b. psychic c. significant other -- immediately.
We should all be -- a. proud b. slightly embarrassed c. confused d. indifferent -- to being -- a. Americans b. bipeds c. perpendicular d. naked!
There. You've written your first newspaper column. How does it feel? Enter emotion here: . I'm glad I could make your -- a. dreams b. nightmares c. vague yearnings for greatness -- come true.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
