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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Stolen cars are up,
piling up, that isNews Item: Auto thefts are soaring on Oahu with more than 4,000 vehicles stolen in just the first six months of 2003.
At Wally's Auto Repair Emporium and Chop Shop in Kalihi, Mikey "Mongoose" Malloy backs a 2003 Toyota Camry into the garage.
Mongoose: Get a load of this beauty! Scooped it out of a 7-Eleven parking lot while the owner was picking up smokes!
Wally: Not another bloody Camry. We've got 300 of them already. Where are we going to put the bloody thing?
Mongoose: Sorry, boss. It was just sitting there with the engine running.
Wally: And look at the VIN number, you idiot. You've stolen this car before. Four times to be exact.
Mongoose: Hey! That explains why the radio stations were programmed the way I like them.
Wally: This is getting out of hand. This is a small island, you know. The boys are nicking 25 cars a day. I've got no place to keep them all.
Mongoose: Just rip out the good parts and dump 'em back on the streets.
Wally: Do you have any idea how much time it takes to strip a car properly? We're chopping up more than 300 cars a week. Got five warehouses full of parts. Got 80 bloody mechanics working full time. The overtime and workers' comp is killing me. And the way they treat the tools. Bob Villa's getting rich off of all the blasted ratchet sets I'm buyin' at Sears.
James "Swifty" Burke drives a tow truck into the garage pulling a Honda Element.
Wally: Don't EVEN unhook that thing.
Swifty: It's brand new. Snagged it off a dealer's lot.
Wally: You bring me an Element? The dumbest car ever made? Look at it. It looks stupid and it's got a stupid name. The Element? What's next, the Honda Rudiment? The Toyota Object? Yesterday you dragged in a Ford Aspire. You know why it's called an Aspire? Because it aspires to be a bloody Lexus. I won't have 'em. I may be a car thief, but I've got my pride.
Swifty: But they're so easy to steal, boss.
Wally: Of course they're easy to steal, you nitwit. It's the only way dealers can get them off the bloody lot. Nobody's buying the ugly things.
Mongoose: I got a line on an Acura Integra. Actually, 15 of them. Still in the container on the dock.
Wally: Fifteen Integras?
Mongoose: Well, to be technical about it, there are 47 of them.
Wally: I can't take this. We're moving more bloody cars than Detroit. Who's going to buy 47 Integras, genius?
Mongoose: Uh, an Integra dealer?
Wally: I should have stayed in jewelry. At least you can store the bloody stuff in a suitcase.
Swifty: I gotta go. I'm pinching one of those big new city stretch buses at Ala Moana when the driver stops for a pee break at noon. It's a beaut.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com
