|
The Goddess Speaks Tina Terry-Bails |
Who let grandpa
out of the barn?AS I HAVE already humiliated my husband in a past column -- to all of Hawaii, as he put it -- I decided to give him a rest. He is already reluctant to say or do anything in my presence, afraid that it will end up on the front page.
You might call it payback. Women have endured the sometimes impossible behavior of their men since time began. Remember when cavemen honored their women by dragging them by their hair? That meant you were the "chosen" one, but it sure wouldn't have made me feel all that special.
How do we do it? At least I know my woes are nothing compared to my grandma, whose endurance was tested on a daily basis by none other than my grandpa. She adored him and there wasn't anything she wouldn't do for him. Even after 50 years of marital bliss they shared a loving relationship.
I had the pleasure of looking after both of them in their golden years in Texas, and this proved very interesting, to say the least!
Their marriage was truly grand in all the ways that counted, but not everyone knew about the childish pranks grandpa liked to play at grandma's expense. I remember the first time she called me at 2 in the morning and told me to get over there. Grandpa had been out in the shed having a little of his homemade spirits, and he decided he would sneak Jack, the donkey, into her bed while she slept. Needless to say, she was not pleased. She woke to the sound of braying and kicking, because, as you can imagine, Jack wasn't too happy either.
By the time I arrived, the donkey was back in the barn, and Grandpa was locked out of the house. I had my "why do you keep doing this to her" talk with him, and as always, he apologized and promised never to do it again.
That didn't last long. Maybe his memory was going, who knows, because the next night he slipped the garden hose into her bed while she was sleeping and turned the water on. She was livid. Once again, he was locked out of the house and forced to sleep in the barn with Jack. If I were grandma, I would have kicked him out of the house long before, and if I were Jack, I would have kicked him out of the barn.
THE NEXT TIME grandpa pulled something, it wasn't meant to be a prank. He thought of it as a good deed, and for once, Grandma wasn't his intended victim. He and his "domino" buddies were having one of their regular games out in the barn and they were enjoying some of his homemade beer when he decided it was time for his old friend Harry to learn how to drive.
He felt sorry for Harry because he didn't have anyone to take him places and do things for him. He depended on one of the guys to pick him up for the big domino games, and sometimes no one did.
The phone call came in the middle of the night. Grandma was crying and telling me grandpa was in jail. The patrolman told me that grandpa had been arrested for teaching a blind man how to drive. Yes, Harry was blind. Even though it could have been serious, he chuckled and said it was funny in a way, because grandpa thought his reasons were acceptable, and all he wanted to do was to teach Harry enough about driving to get from his house to the domino game and back home again.
He figured that there would be no traffic on the road if they waited until after midnight. The officer said that they were actually doing pretty good with grandpa telling Harry when to turn, when to slow down and when to stop.
Even though the officer was somewhat amused, he had to bring 'em in. Usually, if the local constable stopped you, he would just take you home, because in most cases, what you were doing wasn't serious, and more than likely the two of you knew each other (small town). You would get a warning and that would be that. But, the kind highway patrolman thought this was much too serious to overlook.
Well, grandpa got off lightly, with the promise to never drive again, and of course to make other arrangements for Harry to attend the weekly domino game. Grandma was happy to have him home, unharmed.
My grandparents have been gone a while now. I miss them a lot, but at least I have these memories to make me laugh.
Tina Terry-Bails is the Hawaii-based author of the romance novel "Eternal Flame," and soon-to-be-released follow-up, "Passion's Pride."
The Goddess Speaks is a feature column by and
about women. If you have something to say, write
"The Goddess Speaks," 7 Waterfront Plaza, Suite 210, Honolulu 96813;
or e-mail features@starbulletin.com.
