Love prospects low
for educated womenCultural changes dim
the chances of romance for
female college graduates
College psychology lecturer Debra Golden was too busy working on her graduate degree to look for male companionship. She also realized she was wading through a shallow pool of choices in Hawaii.
"I'm 20 years older than most of the graduate students. I was not going to college to meet a man," said Golden, 45, who was working toward her doctoral degree at the University of Hawaii. "Many women are not going to college to meet men. ... Most women are focusing more on their education rather than catching a man."
Golden used an Internet dating service, and it worked.
Five years later, she is still happily with a Dutch businessman she met on the Internet and lives part of the year in the Netherlands.
As more women than men graduate from many colleges in Hawaii and elsewhere in the United States, they are facing a diminishing pool of eligible bachelors of equal or higher education and income.
COURTESY PHOTO
University of Hawaii psychology lecturer Debra Golden and Dutch businessman Jan van Limburg met via an Internet dating service and are pursuing a relationship.
For a college-educated woman, the challenge of finding a male partner of equal or higher income becomes even more difficult during middle age, as single and married males begin to die earlier than females, according to social scientists.
On some college campuses, the gender ratio is nearly six women for every four men, observers say.
In 1972, 53 percent of the students enrolled in classes at UH were men, compared with the female student population of 47 percent. In 2002, 57 percent of the students were women, compared with 43 percent men.
A similar percentage of college degrees were awarded to both sexes.
Social scientists note that traditionally, the chances of women finding a male companion lessen as they become more educated.
Cultural psychologist Richard Castillo said college women, who achieve financial self-sufficiency and hold to traditional values, generally want a man of equal or higher status.
"A man would be willing to marry a poor woman if she's beautiful, but women don't want to marry beneath themselves," said Castillo, a psychology professor at University of Hawaii-West Oahu.
The pool of single men becomes shallower as women wade through middle age.
A single woman faces an overall diminishing number of single males after she reaches 45 years of age, according to the 2000 U.S. Census.
In Hawaii there are 51 single women to 49 single men between the ages of 45 and 54. The situation worsens for women thereafter, slipping from 54 single women to 46 single men from ages 55 to 59, and 64 single women to 36 single men by ages 60 to 64.
Carl Haub, a demographer with the nonprofit Population Census Bureau in Washington, D.C., said nationally, men die at a higher rate than women in their mid-40s, and women live six years more than men their age.
Finding a partner of the opposite sex has also become more complex with educated women delaying marriage.
Kathy Ferguson, a University of Hawaii professor in the Women's Studies Program, said many women are also pursuing careers rather than marrying after obtaining their college degree -- and, some would argue, for good reason.
"Young women are unlikely to rely on a man for support for their entire life," Ferguson said.
With one marriage ending in divorce for every four marriages in Hawaii, and national rates closer to one divorce for every two marriages, many women are likely to be relying on their own job skills to make a living at some point in their life.
Ferguson said women are also likely to live longer than their husbands.
Experts say the reasons for finding a spouse have become less traditional, and the power relationship between men and women is becoming more equal.
"Traditionally, women got married for financial security," Castillo said. "That's becoming less of a factor, in that women are able to provide for themselves economically, so women are getting pickier."
Castillo said the male-dominated social system is also changing and that the methods, as well as places, of finding a mate are shifting as well.
Traditional places for meeting potential spouses are no longer as desirable.
High schools, colleges, churches and workplaces were the sites where couples met 50 years ago and have continued to function as meeting places for potential partners, but these locations are not working as well today, Castillo said.
"Typically, people in school aren't getting married as they used to," he said. "They wait until they get out of a school." Castillo said that with the proliferation of sexual harassment lawsuits, many people have been put off to the idea of workplace romances.
A church is a traditional way to meet a potential spouse, but it also could attract people who want a traditional male-dominated relationship, experts note.
He said many people in their 30s and older do not feel comfortable going to singles bars.
Castillo said the new places where singles are meeting are spots where there is less social pressure and they have an equal footing, such as health clubs, yoga classes, coin-operated laundry outlets and supermarkets.
"Surprisingly enough, many women are open to that," he said. "There's more sexual tension in a bar."
Big Island artist Sherri McDonald met her husband at a grocery store on Maui several years ago. In fact, he was the grocer.
She said he later approached her at a fund-raiser for a youth center.
"It was actually a female-dominated event, and he came as a spectator," she said.
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Some islanders find love
via online dating services
Felicia Eagle said she hated all the "game-playing" on dates. She even went to a Christian church's social meetings to meet single men.
Then she met Hawaii resident Jeffrey Eagle -- from Kansas -- online, and the looking was over.
The two were married, after meeting on the Internet through Match.com in 1995. They now have two girls, ages 5 and 6, and live in Kansas City, Mo.
A number of Hawaii residents said they liked the confidentiality and safety provided by Internet dating and that by corresponding through e-mails, they are able to determine the level of education and intelligence of potential mates.
Most Internet dating services charge a membership fee that allows subscribers to list their profile and contact other people who have listed their profiles.
Subscribers use the Internet dating service's e-mail system in message exchanges and assume pseudonyms to protect their identities.
Nationally, Internet dating services are growing at a rapid rate, allowing subscribers to expand their hunt into other states and nations. According to the market research company comScore Networks, online personal revenues, including those from dating services, jumped to $302 million in 2002 from $72 million in 2001.
"It's wildly popular. It's become the singles scene," said Trish McDermott, spokeswoman for Match.com.
The Texas company, which started in 1995, had 724,000 paid members worldwide as of December and about 8 million people listed on its Web site, McDermott said.
Match.com charges a minimum of $24.95 a month.
Felicia, now 41, a surgical nurse, said she found corresponding with potential partners through the dating service to be a "powerful" method of getting to know individuals, especially since she let them know exactly what she loved and hated.
"If you're honest with each other, really honest, you can find everything you know quickly, and you know if it's going to be wasting your time to date or not," she said.
"You get to know somebody really, really well quickly," she added.
Felicia said that in the beginning she and Jeffrey, now 38, an insurance field agent, were exchanging e-mails at a fast pace for three days and had "really hit it off" before they exchanged photographs.
She said Jeffrey had initially listed that he wanted a relationship with an Asian woman, but he was attracted to her because of her Christian background.
By August, Felicia had decided to remove herself from the dating list and pursue a relationship with Jeffrey.
In September, Jeffrey proposed to Felicia on the nationally syndicated "Gordon Elliot Show" in New York City, and the two were married in January 1996.
"The whole thing was just crazy. It's hilarious," she said.
Internet dating advice
Here are some Internet dating tips from University of Hawaii psychology lecturer Debra Golden:
- Pick a dating Web site that matches your personality and interests.
- Be as honest about yourself as possible in your profile, and be thoughtful in selecting your user name. Let your friends review the profile to see if it reflects you.
- A photograph with the profile gets more responses, but be aware that it's out there for the whole world to see and use.
- Be specific about what you're looking for and whatever is important to you in a companion or potential mate.
- Feel comfortable and safe with each step before moving on to the next step. Don't let anyone rush you. Exchange some e-mails, get to know each other a bit, then exchange some photos (always ask for more than one, close up, far away, with friends and family, and around their home), then chat online.
- If e-mailing goes well, then try a telephone call. Get their number, but remember many people have caller ID, so they may get your number when you call. If you want to play it real safe, call from a pay telephone.
- If all has gone well up to this point and you want to meet, select a public place for coffee or lunch.
- Use common sense and watch for deception, the same as you would in any dating situation.
