Alo-Ha! Friday

Charles Memminger

Totally unqualified but
willing to take the job

Never one to shirk our public responsibilities (you know you're in trouble when I begin referring to myself in the third person plural), we humbly present ourselves to the state Board of Education to serve as a school principal wherever we may be needed.

We were shocked to discover that there is a principal shortage in this state, believing all this time that the government suffered merely a shortage of principles. Unencumbered by advanced academic degrees or rigid theories of education, we believe we are adequately qualified to serve as a principal in any public school, although one where the average SAT scores are quite low would be best. Let us know.

And now the news:

Cops not high on rats

QUEENSLAND, Australia >> Rats high on drugs have been running wild in the ceilings of Caboolture Police Station after munching on speed and pot exhibits. The rats have chewed through bags containing amphetamines and pot and have been seen with "their eyes wide open, running frantically for no reason at all around in circles," according to a wire report.

(Police first became aware that the rats were raiding the dope after discovering the nibbled marijuana bags and several late-night calls to Pizza Hut.)

This toy is cat's meow

TOKYO (AP) >> A Japanese toy maker is developing a device that translates cat meows and purrs into human language. The move comes on the heels (or paws) of a gadget that translated dog barks into language and sold 300,000 units.

According to a spokesman for Takara Co., the cat-shaped Meowlingual machine will translate purrs into language like "I can't stand it."

(Humans finally will understand what other cute cat sounds mean, like, "If I weighed a hundred more pounds, I'd rip your freakin' throat out and eat you for breakfast.")

Knock-knock's no joke

SOMERSET, England >> Residents complained to authorities about a noisy neighbor only to find out that noisemaker was an amorous woodpecker trying to attract a mate.

"I have had some bizarre complaints," the BBC quoted a public health worker. "One person complained that cows were mooing too loudly."

(According to a new Moolingual toy, the cows actually were saying, "Man, you know, I just love grass. Mmmm. Yummy.")

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

Now that the White House is serving Hawaii-grown coffee, it won't be long before President Bush shows up at press conferences wearing rubba slippahs and the first lady sports an armload of gold Hawaiian bracelets.

Quote me on this:

"Only a mediocre writer is always at his best." -- W. Somerset Maugham (Hey! We resemble that remark!)

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail


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