Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger

---

No rhyme or reason
for error message

---

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

The above haiku captures the Zen approach to dealing with the wicked behavior of personal computers. Proponents of haiku error messages believe that a Zen approach to personal interaction with computers would be more enriching than, say, the .357 magnum approach or the throwing-the-damn-thing-off-of-the-roof approach.

I admit, few things are as alarming as working on an important project on the computer and suddenly have the screen freeze and an error message pop up that says something like "Cache Protocol Capacitor Disabled. Operation Terminated." What the ...?

The beauty of current error messages is that no matter what kind of technical gibberish they use, the meaning is perfectly clear: "You are soooo screwed, my friend."

But there is a movement to make the error message less brutal. A reader sent me a list of proposed messages which a friend of hers stole from someone else on the Internet who filched them from somebody else and so on. The chain of custody thus being so sullied, I can safely print them here without fear of charges of plagiarism.

A few of my favorites:

Program aborting.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies.
So beautifully.

Here's one that I made up:

Your column is due
You have typed the last sentence.
Screen goes blank. Ha. Ha.

I think that catches the basic evilness of computers. Because they are sadistic, torturous machines.

Here's another one:

Words used to stay put.
My IBM Selectric
Oh where have you gone?

I guess that's not actually an error message. But, damn it, I really do miss my IBM Selectric, the big lug. It took three people to carry the thing, but when you typed on it and that little alphabet ball spun across the paper, you felt as if you where chiseling thoughts into stone. Of course, you were also chiseling misspelled words into stone. At least if your bottle of White Out was all dried up, which mine usually was.

I'm basically against haiku error messages or any messages that camouflage the essential treachery of computers. Hal, the computer in "2001: A Space Odyssey," was homicidal. His soft, delicate "voice" made him seem just that much more deranged.

I don't want my computer to soft-soap me. If it's about to gleefully crash and destroy hours' worth of work, I want it at least to be honest about it. I want an audio error message from Mr. T shouting: "I'm gonna wup you, sucka! Reboot this."

---

See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

---