ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID SWANN / DSWANN@STARBULLETIN.COM
Modern-day
matchmakersIt's Just Lunch! focuses on
bringing together
like-minded professionals
Don't think of it as meeting the perfect person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, or put too much hope in falling in love over the Caesar salad.
It's just a lunch date -- over in an hour; no worrying about a goodnight kiss. Nothing earthshakingly meaningful.
It's Just lunch
Call: 532-7300Membership contracts: Six, nine or 12 months at $795 to $1,195, guaranteeing six to 12 introductions
"If it works out, it's great. If it doesn't, it's just lunch!" says Linda Markt, who opened the It's Just Lunch! franchise dating service in Honolulu six months ago.
What the 12-year-old San Diego-based company does promise is that it will arrange first dates with people who are fun and "well suited to your interests." Because busy professionals make up almost all of its clientele, "we've been called the Yuppie Yentas (matchmakers)," Markt said.
Of course, if a man asks for a brain surgeon with a Barbie doll figure (if such a combination exists), or if a woman says her date just has to be taller, richer and smarter than she, they may be out of luck.
"I can't be all things to all people. It's just a first date. It's just lunch, you know?" she laughs.
"If no great chemistry occurs between them, they still will have had a great time. They've met a really fun person to spend an hour with."
MORE THAN 90 percent of the 400-plus clients in her database have said following the first date, "I know why you matched us," and that they never would have met that person without her help, Markt said.
"It's like having your best friend set you up," knowing both individuals well and coaching you on conversation starters, she said. "We try to make it as easy as possible."
The service matches what people have in common, whether hobbies, love of travel or the outdoors, personality type, sense of humor and other strong points.
When her clients decide on a second date -- and about 75 percent do -- the first date is considered a success, and "they're all on their own." Up until then the service doesn't release last names or telephone numbers. And no pictures.
"We're not a picture or Internet service," she said, which distinguishes her service from a majority of competitors. "Pictures are not a sufficient way to predetermine whether you would enjoy a person's company.
"I ask people to let go of their own prejudices, to let people delight them. If looking at a picture is all you need to say a person is datable or not, I ask them, 'What about the person's goals or interests?' A person's physical attractiveness should be the frosting on the cake."
PART OF MARKT'S job is helping people articulate, during the pre-date interview, what is important to them and what they can bring to the relationship. "The more authentic you can get yourself to be," the more someone will be able to relate to you on a deeper level. She said most of her clients are looking "for someone to share their lives with, and I'm very touched that it's the reason they are using my dating service."
Although we all get caught up in the fantasy of "happily ever after," she said individuals need to eliminate the pressure by reminding themselves that the next step after a first lunch date is to determine whether they want a second date, not marriage.
"You gotta meet a lot of people to find that life partner," she said. "Be within that moment and decide if you want to see (each other) again."
A majority of her clients are looking for someone intelligent who can communicate openly. Men are also looking for quick wits, and more men than women are concerned about looks. Surprise.
How much does chemistry play in men and women connecting? "It's huge but I can't do chemistry," Markt said. "That has to happen on its own."
It's usually the men who "often confuse looks and chemistry" and place a higher value on attractiveness. So Markt says she asks them, "'Haven't you ever met a woman who grew more attractive the longer you talked to her and the chemistry increased?' ... But with some, it's got to be physical love at first sight. It's hard to convince them."
What happens often is that a man realizes, "She may not be as beautiful as I would like her to be, but she is a wonderful, caring, intelligent person," Markt said. "The fun part is watching people really grow."
A nurse for most of her life and a mother of two grown children, Markt quit her day job in October and jumped "whole hog" into the franchise because "I loved the concept" and "there's a need."
"I knew a lot of doctors, attorneys, teachers and nurses who were genuinely good people and were looking to meet other good people, and it's tough!"
As a recent divorcee, she discovered this firsthand when she moved to Hawaii in 1992 and "sat at home for two years."
"It slays me -- if you know it's hard for you to meet someone, why don't you think it's hard for everybody else? Why do intelligent, great-looking, charming people think they are the only ones not able to meet someone? They think (the problem) is unique to them. I can point you to hundreds of people who think the same way."
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[ TRIAL RUN ]
A good singles service can
assure that dinner
with five strangers is fun
Don't be nervous. Just relax. It's going to be a lot of fun.
That's what kept going through my mind as I prepared for my first blind date in -- well, let's just say in a long, long time.
It's been almost a year since my last relationship ended, and instead of jumping right back into the dating pool, I chose to focus on work. Seven-day workweeks and late nights at the computer became the norm, and although I was still going out with friends when I could, I knew there wasn't going to be much of a chance of meeting the woman of my dreams amid hundreds of tipsy, sweaty, gyrating bodies on the dance floor of a nightclub.
So in an effort to find a different way to meet some new people, off I went to visit with local matchmaking guru Dee Dee DeSoto. Her company, Party of Six, opened for business about four months ago with the objective of providing a casual and comfortable environment for single men and women to enjoy themselves and make new friends.
Before starting her matchmaking venture, DeSoto ran a successful singles service, Kindred Hearts Hawaii. When she decided to close the business, a groundswell of calls from former members persuaded her to come back stronger than ever. In addition to reinstating some of the Kindred Hearts activities, the dinner dates offer a twist to the matchmaking process.
"This concept of group dinners is big on the mainland," DeSoto says as we sit in her cozy downtown office. The concept is straightforward: Participants are matched with a compatible member of the opposite sex and then matched again with two other couples who share similar interests. In addition to Honolulu, singles in San Francisco, Chicago and New York have discovered this method of group dating.
There's always "one thing about the group that everyone has in common," she explains. "It could be that they have the same hobby; it could be that they work in the same type of field.
"There's something that stands out about each of the people, (and) that's why they're in a group together."
IN ORDER to get a proper match for her members, DeSoto conducts a lengthy application and interview process before anyone is allowed to go out to dinner. "I tell them to give me two hours," she says. "We fill out the paperwork and I ask them more questions."
Those questions cover a range of topics, from basic information (Do you have kids? Do you smoke? What's your idea of a fun date?) to much more personal stuff (What are your political views? How important is sex in the relationship? Are you looking for a long-term relationship or just a friendship?). Much of the screening process is designed to give DeSoto insight into each applicant's personality; instead of having to invest the time and effort yourself, she takes on the task of finding the right people for you to go out with.
"(People) don't have time to go out and set aside personal time to find someone to date," says DeSoto. "They feel like they need help meeting someone of quality. The main thing is, they want someone to do the research on that person for them. When you meet someone, you don't know who you're talking to."
A FEW weeks later, the phone rang while I was at work. It was DeSoto, letting me know the date had been set -- I'd be joining five other single people on a Thursday night at Brew Moon.
So there I was, parking my truck at Ward Centre, popping one more piece of gum into my mouth and checking my hair in the rearview mirror. Don't be nervous. Just relax. It's going to be a lot of fun.
But who would I meet? Some Party of Six members are doctors and attorneys. A lot are business owners, according to DeSoto, and the vast majority have at least some college experience as well.
Once I met the other five people that I'd be having dinner with, however, I realized that I should have trusted DeSoto's matchmaking abilities. That's another thing these dinners have over conventional blind dates: Members are paying for a service, in this case meeting people with similar interests, and Party of Six did introduce me to a few people I would probably have never interacted with in everyday life.
Take the attractive woman in her early 30s who ended up sitting across from me. It was relatively easy to get a conversation going, and after a while we were trading one-liners and laughing at each other. The kicker? She sells advertising for our competition up the street.
On my left was a student in her early 20s who had scored her membership in Party of Six by taking part in a recent matchmaking contest. She'd be the type of person who would be fun to go clubbing with; in fact, she was heading off to Ocean's after dinner that night.
The final bachelorette, a civilian federal contract employee, while not necessarily my type, was an interesting person to talk to. Our lifestyles couldn't be much more different, yet I was enjoying getting to know somebody new without being in an interview-type setting.
And the other two guys? One was a teacher, the other a psychologist, and we all seemed to interact just fine. After a few awkward silences at the beginning of the evening, we were soon talking story and having a good time with a table full of pupus and drinks from the bar.
AT THE end of our meal, we all received an individual check for the items we ordered. One of the perks of Party of Six membership was our choice of receiving a free bottle of wine, pupu platter or dessert item; this helps glance the blow on your wallet when the check does arrive.
I ended up spending about $40 for pupus and a few beers, including tip, which is about average for me on visits to Brew Moon. A few of us exchanged business cards as we gathered our things and made our way outside. After a few handshakes and even a hug or two, we called it a night.
For someone who had been apprehensive about participating in a matchmaking service, taking part in a Party of Six dinner showed me that the person who actually does the matching is vital in determining how successful you'll be at meeting other compatible singles.
And as DeSoto says, "you're making friends ... there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not your typical dating service. This is more about fun, making friends and business contacts."
Dee Dee DeSoto runs the singles service Party of Six.
Party of Six
Location: 345 Queen St., Suite 800Call: 536-4229
Online: www.partyofsixhawaii.com
Membership packages: $399 to $1,499, depending on number of dinners and activities you participate in
Age range: Members are from mid-20s to mid-60s, virtually all professionals with stable income.
Dinners: Twice a week, usually on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays
Click for online
calendars and events.
