Digital Slob Curt Brandao

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Donotcall.gov should
inspire useful spinoffs

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Whether it stops telemarketing calls or not, www.donotcall.gov deserves a big "thank you," as last week the Web site gave millions of us the most cathartic series of mouse clicks since Al Gore invented the Internet.

Dinnertime telemarketers have badgered Respectable People with free Florida vacations for so long they can't remember what hot mashed potatoes taste like. And these same telephonic interlopers have turned Digital Slobs into cell-phone refugees -- our house-phone ringers have been off since 1993. We only keep service alive so Domino's knows we're ordering pizza from a fixed address.

But even the $11,000 fines won't make phones completely safe. Charities, pollsters and political organizations are exempt, and such loopholes could inspire perverse bedfellows. Soon a TV anchor may say, "A recent FoxNews/Sprint telephone poll shows 61 percent of Americans would vote for President Bush if they could get unlimited local and domestic long-distance calling for one unbelievable rate."

Libertarians must be fuming, but we've tasted blood and will likely clamor for more federal Web sites that charge $11,000 for other pet peeves, from junk e-mail to ... Libertarians. Here are some suggestions to get the inevitable donot.gov spinoffs rolling:

>> donotAdoptAnotherCat.gov: When the neighbor's kids are coughing up secondhand fur balls, an $11,000 fine is only in the public interest, really.

>> donotAlwaysTakeYour MothersSide.gov: You've been married 13 years and she's given your wife, who doesn't cook, 13 cookbooks for Christmas. Check the site, then the calendar -- you have 171 more shopping days to confront the battle-ax, or be a momma's boy with 14 cookbooks in the attic and $11,000 in the hole.

>>donotQuoteMonty Python.gov: Feel like reciting the "Dead Parrot" sketch again in a sidewalk cafe or cross-town bus? First check this site for anyone who might be within earshot, and keep in mind $11,000 will buy a lot of Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam.

>> donotDescribeDreams.gov: "I was naked, holding a tuna sandwich, being chased around my grandmother's coffee table by a gorilla. And then, a federal agent came to the front door and demanded $11,000!" No, that last part wasn't a dream, dude.

>> donotStarInAnotherVin DieselMovie.gov: Whatshisname risks an $11,000 fine for each registered moviegoer who witnesses him drive around in a bullet-riddled SUV exacting cinematic revenge on any fictional crime boss (until at least 2007).

>> donotEndlesslySocialize WithBankTellersWhenOthers AreWaitingInLineEvenIfIt IsYourOnlyRealisticShotAt HumanContactThatDay.gov: Once word of this site spreads to old men wearing Bermuda shorts and black socks, they'll think twice about flirting with 20-year-olds behind the counter. Their banter as the velvet ropes swell to capacity could cost them $11,000 ($15,000 at the end and beginning of the month).

>>donotSaveUsFromDamn ation.gov: Proselytizing door-to-door should never be against the law, but no one said it had to be free. Surely it will please God to know that as you routinely ruin weekends in 20-square-block swaths, the threat of an $11,000 fine for each soul-saving attempt won't even break your stride. Oh well, you can't take it with you.

>> donotRevealWhoDiedInTheNewHarryPotterBook.gov: I'm told it may be Hagrid. Should I make the check out to the United States Treasury?

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See the Columnists section for some past articles.

Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's
production editor. Reach him at
at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com