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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
A parade with
a message: Er, huh?Memo to all "The Society of Public Decency and Morality's July 4th Grand Parade" participants from your organizing committee:
Good news! We finally got our permit to hold the parade through Waikiki. Before we detail the float position assignments, let us just remind everyone we are holding this event to promote our firm beliefs that Christianity is the one true religion, particularly as exercised by our own First Congressional Scientific Church of Public Decency, Morality and Other Good Stuff; that marriage is only possible between a man and a woman; conception begins after the first kiss but before heavy petting; alcohol is evil (except Miller Lite in moderation); homosexuality is yucky; rap music is the devil's music; Eminem is the devil; and Michael Jackson is a disgusting, depraved (yet highly talented) pervert.
Because of an ACLU lawsuit alleging discrimination, we had to agree to allow a few "outside" groups to join our parade in order to get the permit. But we feel the parade will nevertheless educate the public to our religious beliefs and goals.
Float and marchers lineup:
10 a.m. >> Glory to God Marching Band and Li'l Angels Virgin Baton Twirling Corps
10:05 >> Loud Leather Lesbians Whip and Chains Revue
10:10 >> Future Preachers of America Youth Bible Read 'n Walk Brigade
10:15 >> Satanmobile float with winner of Grand Lucifer and his Dark Court Competition tossing out LSD-spiked suckers to the crowd
10:20 >> First Congressional Scientific Church of Public Decency, Morality and Other Good Stuff Royal Princess Float
10:25 >> Delegation from the North American Man-Boy Love Association wearing stocking mask costumes
10:26 >> FBI Sexual Crimes Undercover Unit posing as a television news crew
10:30 >> First Congressional Scientific Church of Public Decency, Morality and Other Good Stuff Grand Marshal Float. The Right Rev. Dr. Clarence Helix delivering his acclaimed inspirational speech "Booze, Babes and Blackjack ... Highway to Hell"
10:35 >> Heineken/Hooters/Harrah's Highway to Hell Float. Free trip to Las Vegas will be given away to parade watcher who can guess total weight of Hooters on board.
10:40 >> Christian Teen All American Anti-Gay Marriage and Rifle Corps (appearing in matching camouflage fatigues)
10:45>> Vermont Gay Married Couples League (appearing in matching Kevlar vests)
10:50 >> First Congressional Scientific Church of Public Decency, Morality and Other Good Stuff "Heavenly Choir" singing "Amazing Grace"
10:55 >> South Central Crack Legalization Rap Troupe singing "Amazing Grace" with lots of bass and playing samples from "Pat Boone's Greatest Hits," backward
11 a.m. >> Mass prayer vigil, beer bust/wet T-shirt contest at Ala Moana Park
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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com