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Alo-Ha! Friday Charles Memminger |
Jones needs to coach
Lingle on pay raisesIt's an embarrassment to the state that we can only pay University of Hawaii football coach June Jones $800,000 a year. The man is worth twice that. We're just lucky he's willing to stay in Hawaii for such a paltry sum.
Sure, he's the highest-paid public employee in the islands, making more than even the governor. But that's the way it should be.
What does Linda Lingle know about football? She probably thinks the "West Coast offense" is California Gov. Gray Davis. All she has to worry about is keeping a state running and a small one at that. Jones has to worry about groin pulls and recruiting someone who can kick an oddly shaped ball through a glorified clothesline.
And now the news:
Painting hubby sees red
BERLIN >> A 53-year-old man was stabbed to death by his wife of 30 years during an argument over what color to paint the walls. Frustrated by the escalating feud, the man grabbed a kitchen knife and challenged his wife to use it on him. She took him up on the offer.(Police do not know what colors the argument was over, but red was the dominant color by the time they showed up.)
Gardener license clipped
BERLIN >> A German gardener was fined and stripped of his license after driving his lawnmower while drunk. The gardener was banned from driving all vehicles after police nabbed him parking the mower after drinking a bottle of wine.The man's attorney will appeal the ruling because the mower has a top speed of only 4 miles per hour and "does not pose the remotest danger to the public."
(MADRID -- Mothers Against Drunk Lawn Mower Drivers -- disagreed, saying the man was a danger to many forms of low-lying plants and distracted squirrels.)
Justice awakes in Texas
HOUSTON >> A Texas man whose death sentence was overturned because his lawyer slept through parts of his trial has agreed to a plea bargain that will save his life but keep him behind bars.Calvin Burdine had been sentenced to death for stabbing his gay lover to death.
(Burdine's lawyer claimed victory, pointing out that if he had been conscious through the entire trial, his client would have gotten the electric chair. The "sleeping lawyer" defense is expected to become popular in Texas, where more inmates fry than McDonald's burgers.)
'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
It's outrageous that nude summer camps for teenagers are springing up across the country. Why couldn't they have nude summer camps 35 years ago when I was a teen?
Quote me on this:
"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com