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My Kind of Town Don Chapman |
A virtual ralph
>> KonaHalf of Hawaii's first million-dollar Lotto winner's nylon neon lime surf shorts were missing. The bite went straight up the Velcro zipper. Every man in the room flinched, some more than others. "Definitely shark-eaten," was the assessment of Jonah Hancock, chief biologist with National Marine Fisheries Service, who was conducting the press conference.
Ace columnist Cruz MacKenzie, still billowing whisky vapors, muttered from the back of the room "Looks to me like they were cut by pinking shears."
"You do a lot of sewing, Mr. MacKenzie? What a lovely hobby."
That drew a ripple of derisive laughter from the other press types, turning on one of their own like sharks in a tank.
"But obviously not. My wife sews, and pinking shears leave a much squarer cut -- is that a word, squarer?"
Yes, it is, but not a very good one. Still, Hancock's awareness of the language endeared him to the other pressies and nobody called him on it.
"As I was saying, there's only one cutting instrument that could have done this, and it's not found in your grandmother's sewing room.
"It was the teeth of a shark."
The assembled media scribbled it down.
"What kind?" Cruz called, stepping closer to the podium to get a better look at the shorts, sharing Johnny Walker vapors with a larger audience.
Hancock drew a deep breath. "We just recovered his shorts. Hard to say until we get them into the lab."
Cruz's jaundiced opinion was that Hancock had already formed his own opinion about the species, but didn't want to share it. Although it's seldom a good idea to piss off an expert source at your first meeting, Cruz heard himself saying: "How big? No hammerhead or reef shark I've ever seen could do that much damage. What are we talking about here? Twelve feet? Fifteen? That would make it a tiger shark, right? Or a great white?"
Hancock had dealt with far more dangerous species over the years than semi-looped columnists. "Please, let's not over-react, Mr. MacKenzie," Hancock said, pausing to stare at Cruz long and cool, then sharing a sincere glance with the rest of the reporters. "The State Shark Task Force spokesperson, Ms. Jean Uberherring of the governor's office, will provide any other information as soon as it becomes available."
That was enough for everyone else. They started to pack up gear.
But Cruz was on a roll. "One other thing. That stuff stuck to the shorts -- it looks like tuna fish."
The other press types didn't dignify the remark with a chuckle, not even a gasp. They turned and looked at Cruz rather like the Japanese viewed George Bush the Elder right after he ralphed in the prime minister's lap.
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Don Chapman is editor of MidWeek. His serialized novel runs daily in the Star-Bulletin. He can be e-mailed at dchapman@midweek.com