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’Net Junkie Shawn "Speedy" Lopes |
Some warnings
for consumers
take the cakeOn record, manufacturers will say that warning labels keep consumers from accidental injury. That's partly true, I suppose. More accurately, though, I'd say they exist to keep companies from being sued by a litigation-crazy, common sense-challenged American public.
I mean, can you imagine the lawsuits filed by thick-skulled citizens if White-Westinghouse didn't idiot-proof its 1600 model blow dryer with a cautionary note to "Keep away from water"? Then there's the warning affixed to another hair-drying device that says, "Do not use while sleeping," and the two-part safety statement that comes with a certain brand of vacuum cleaner which asks its users not to pick up flammable liquids or "anything that is currently burning."
At www.dumbwarnings.com, you'll find a number of ridiculous true-to-life disclaimers and directions on everyday consumer goods like Heinz ketchup ("Instructions: put on food"), American Airlines peanuts ("Instructions: open packet, eat nuts"), a Craftsman push mower ("Warning: Do not attempt to remove blades while lawnmower is running"), Nytol sleep aid ("Warning: may cause drowsiness"), Christmas lights ("For indoor or outdoor use only") and the Harry Potter toy broom ("This broom does not actually fly").
Of course, the silly warning epidemic is not confined to the United States. Purchase a chain saw in Sweden, and you may be privy to this prudent call for caution: "Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals." Judging by the warning on a Korean kitchen knife that states "Keep out of children" and a request by Mama brand instant noodles to "Keep dry, out of sunlight and chemicals," my guess is something gets lost in the translation to English on occasion.
Cruise the motorways of Britain long enough, and you'll encounter road signs that say "Children drive slowly," which sounds almost as silly as those computers that tell you "Keyboard not detected. Press any key to continue," during start-up.
Click on "Random Warnings," and the Web site will arbitrarily generate five real-life kooky warnings for you. If you happen to come across other ridiculous safety suggestions, you're encouraged to add to dumbwarnings.com's mirth-inducing list. And remember, when purchasing any product, you should always read the fine print. It might be good for a laugh.
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’Net Junkie drops every Monday.
Contact Shawn "Speedy" Lopes at slopes@starbulletin.com.
Note: Web sites mentioned in this column were active at time of publication. The Honolulu Star-Bulletin neither endorses nor is responsible for their contents.
