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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Risky beaches pale
next to some folksThe state has released the results of a five-year study concluding that many of Oahu's beaches are perilous. Seeing as how I've personally been injured, nearly drowned or simply embarrassed by some dumb accident at more than half of the 19 most dangerous beaches listed, I can personally concur with the findings.
If a seasoned waterman like myself -- with a history of boldly venturing into waves high enough to pound my waist and ankles -- can get into trouble at so many beaches, what chance does some infernal landlubber from Idaho have? It wasn't until I actually saw the list of dangerous beaches that I was struck with post-traumatic beach syndrome and the inventory of hematomas, bites, dislocations, swallowed salt water, cuts and sprains came flooding back to me.
Here's a true sampling of just some of the fun I had at Oahu's most dangerous beaches:
Makapuu -- Snapped neck in sand, jellyfish stings, car broken into in parking lot.
Sandy Beach -- Shoulder dislocated after being sucked over the falls while inadvertently attached to a canvas surf mat.
Waimea Bay -- Narrowly avoided needing to be rescued after being knocked down in the sand, sucked through shorebreak and forced to swim into middle of bay and tread water until waves subsided (37 minutes).
Hanauma Bay -- Cut foot on reef while looking at stupid fish.
Ehukai -- Ran over submerged rock with surfboard, held underwater for two consecutive waves, saw "stars and flickering angels."
Nanakuli (Tracks surf spot) -- Breathed hazardous emissions for years from electric plant across highway from beach. Voice now unnaturally high and wispy for large man. Got enough sea urchin spines poked in foot to open regional sewing supply center.
Sunset Beach -- Chased into ocean before daybreak by savage wild dogs on beach. Chased into savage wild dogs on beach by savage waves in water at sunrise.
Makaha -- Run over by local annoyed by my lack of tan.
Ala Moana (First Hole surf spot) -- Run over by friend for no reason. I was touched that my buddies were worried about the nasty cut to shoulder after my friend kicked his board into my head. "Brah, you bleeding. You betta go in before you attract sharks."
Ala Moana (Second Hole surf spot) -- Nearly drowned while bodysurfing in after lost board when gallon of water went down my windpipe. Recovered after realizing water was only 2 feet deep.
Waimanalo -- Nearly severed spleen, kidneys and other essential gut organs after crashing into sand on plywood paipo board.
Bellows -- Ditto.
Waikiki -- Slight concussion and multiple bruises after several riderless airplane wing-size rental surfboards plow over me in white water while I'm paddling like an idiot out on a brand-new $400 surfboard.
While this account might make it sound like Oahu beaches are dangerous, it occurs to me that I've been equally injured and humiliated on beaches in Oregon, California and Guam. Hey, wait a second. Maybe it's not the beaches that are dangerous. Maybe it's just me.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com