|
Digital Slob Curt Brandao |
No more lost remote if
it’s wired into your brainAfter much cajoling by those eager for more news about future technological advances, I took a second trip in my friend's time machine to the 2018 Consumer Electronics Expo.
I had fun, but it might be a while before I time travel again. After both trips I had cotton mouth for days, like I ate too much fried fish or something, and I'm worried that side effects from bending the space-time continuum are not covered by my HMO. But you just want the news, so here are the highlights:
Magnavox USR: Couch potatoes always misplace the TV remote, and would lose their own heads if they weren't screwed on tight. With these facts in mind, Magnavox has developed the Universal Subdural Remote that could make opposable thumbs obsolete. Ready to be implanted in heads via simple out-patient procedures at most Sears locations, the tiny transmitter is nestled between the eyebrows and allows you to control most televisions, stereo receivers and DVD players with subconscious ease.
Features include a sleep mode that mutes the TV when you nod off, and pupil dilation sensors that quickly flip off embarrassing channels when someone enters the room. However, the American Medical Association recommends only one USR per household. Otherwise, fights about what channel to watch may trigger cerebral aneurysms.
Hookup Ts: Technology has made life a breeze for Generation Z, but meeting someone cool still requires that ugly "e" word ("effort"). Well, not any more, thanks to a new line of T-shirts. This otherwise normal-looking outerwear holds much more than your surgically enhanced torso. Computer chips woven into the fabric contain pertinent biographical data (credit rating, STD status, astrological sign, degree of moral decay, favorite singers, etc.) and transmits this data to anyone wearing a similar shirt up to six feet away (perfect for bars with cover bands that never take breaks, for example). Then, the shirt illuminates your compatibility, in percentage terms, in big type across your stomachs (details can wait until after your ears stop ringing). Press a button on your collar and your potential mate's full prospectus is e-mailed to your computer (to be included in a future wedding album, presumably). Push another button and the shirt measures compatibility on a rolling curve, based on how much time is left before last call (when the lights come up, all shirts blink 100 percent, for example).
Personal LOMs: Next Mother's Day, don't give the usual Hallmark card or bioterror gas mask. This time, say "I love you" by getting Mom her own Lifetime Original Movie, based on her true story.
Simply provide some photos and fill out a 15-minute questionnaire about your mom (i.e. where she lives; favorite colors; the name of the bent-on-revenge coworker who's trying to destroy her, or the home-wrecking hussy who kidnapped her baby boy and took him to Chuck E. Cheese's, or the too-good-to-be-true first husband whose Jell-O Pudding addiction eventually turned deadly). Then let Lifetime do the rest with computer-generated actors. You can get a personalized made-for-TV-movie for $300. Add likenesses of other relatives for $100 each, or let Lifetime cast key roles from its library of cyber-actors, from Delta Burke to Brooke Shields to Barbara Mandrell to Meredith Baxter Birney.
See the Columnists section for some past articles.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's
production editor. Reach him at
at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com