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Alo-Ha! Friday Charles Memminger |
Radio ad makes a
guinea pig chicken outI was going to volunteer for one of those medical research studies that are always looking for victims, I mean, test subjects. They never actually tell you what experiment they'll be performing on you, but, hey, what's wrong with growing an extra arm or two if it means making some money? I changed my mind when I heard a commercial currently running on local radio for one such research outfit which says subjects "must be male or female." Not sure what that means, other than "hermaphrodites need not apply," but the fact that they felt they needed to make that distinction was just too scary.
Now the news:
Ice cream, she screams
WASHINGTON (Reuters) >> A suburban Washington woman was jailed for assaulting a 4-year-old after he spilled ice cream on her in a fast-food restaurant.The woman shouted obscenities at the child and his grandmother, chased the boy around the restaurant, eventually rubbing hot french fries in his face.
(If she had rubbed "freedom fries" in the little brat's face, she would have been a hero.)
Pilots given crib notes
LONDON (Reuters) >> Instead of landing instructions, pilots approaching Britain's Luton airport heard the squealing of tiny infant Freya Spratley broadcast over their radios.Authorities figured out that a baby monitor at mother Lisa Spratley's house near the airport was responsible for the broadcast.
(You think the pilots were confused, think how the mother felt when she found her baby trying to land the crib on "runway one-niner-left.")
Court ruling disarming
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) >> The U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals tossed out the armed robbery conviction of a man who admitted robbing a bank but claimed he did not mean to show his gun to a teller.Deshon Rene Odom had a loaded revolver in his waistband when he robbed the bank but never mentioned the gun during the robbery. A teller saw the gun when Odom raised his jacket to hide stolen cash.
(Another brilliant ruling from the court that said the "Pledge of Allegiance" is unconstitutional.)
'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
Charging a "pidgin-speaking fee" and turning City Council members into walking billboards are among some exciting new ways of raising revenue for city and state governments and newspaper columns. (This promo sponsored by Acme Dangling Participle Inc., the "Dangler Wranglers.")
Quote me on this:
"The man does not have a single redeeming defect." -- Benjamin Disraeli, speaking of a not-so-close friend
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com