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Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger |
Devices should calm
drivers, not trafficI was disappointed that they turned those nerve-rattling "rumble strips" on the Pali Highway into little Nerf bumps that barely tickle your okole when you drive over them.
Yes, the original rumble strips left you in awe and shock the first couple of times you ran over them, but they definitely got your attention. In their own subtle, seismic kind of way, they said, "Hey, moron, slow down. There are people in the crosswalk up there."
But there were apparently too many complaints about the height of the bumps, and so they were replaced with tiny little speed humps that, when run over, give the not-so-alarming sensation of having run over a row a Dixie cups, the 2-ounce kind.
I don't get it. Every other car on the highway is a $40,000 four-wheel drive, off-road assault vehicle capable of running through a lava field and scaling the flank of Mauna Kea, and yet their drivers can't hack the thumpity-thumpity-thump of rumble strips?
Now that a few wusses have whined away respectable rumble strips, some critics are saying that Hawaii drivers are selfish and simply want speed over safety. They didn't want the van cams, which would have saved many lives, and now they don't even want the minor annoyance of rumble strips. Most Hawaii drivers care more about a speedy commute than human life.
THAT CRITICISM IS wrong. You can't equate the Gestapo van-cam program with "traffic calming devices" like the rumble strips. It is true that issuing tickets to everyone who goes 2 mph over the speed limit would slow down traffic and save lives. But so would banning all private vehicles. Just because something stops car crashes doesn't mean it makes sense. If we all stayed home, no one would get killed on the highway, either. But just think what would happen to the domestic homicide rate.
I happen to think transportation officials are on the right track with their new "traffic calming" devices, even though I think the terminology is wrong. Traffic in Honolulu doesn't need calming. It's so calm during rush hour it's torpid. Inert. Comatose.
The purpose of round-abouts, speed bumps, road narrowing and rumble strips is to keep vehicles moving in a sane, sensible manner by making drivers pay attention.
And unlike the van cam program, which treated everyone like criminals simply for exceeding the speed limit a little bit, the "calming" devices specifically impact idiots who need impacting. If you enter a round-about while putting on makeup, you may find yourself going around in circles for hours, or until you're eyeliner's perfect. Or if you are racing along fiddling with your CD player and hit one of the enormous "wave" speed bumps, you deserve to have your muffler jammed into your trunk. Either way, at least drivers with brains can go around you and on with their lives.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com