’Net Junkie

Shawn "Speedy" Lopes

Create celeb prank
calls at Web site

The authoritative voice on the other end of the line bears an unmistakable resemblance to Arnold Schwarzenegger, though if the desk clerk at the Gator Lodge thinks it, she doesn't let on. "Good morning. I want to ask you a bunch of questions," the voice says. "Who is your daddy and what does he do?" "Well, who are you?" she replies. "I'm Detective John Kimble!" he barks back. "I'm a cop, you idiot!"

Our puzzled subject is engaged in a conversation with Schwarzenegger or, more precisely, an audio snippet of the action hero's dialogue culled from his 1990 comedy "Kindergarten Cop." Through the ingenuity of the mischievous minds behind, Web surfers are treated to more than 40 wild prank phone calls featuring celebrities' voices.

By clicking on phrase boxes on ebaumsworld's "soundboards," visitors to the site can create their own side-splitting prank calls and assume the identities of famous stars like Ozzy Osbourne, Howard Stern and TV "psychic" Miss Cleo.

"Hello, how are you today? May I get your first name and your birth date, please?" begins a prank call using vocal cuts taken from a Miss Cleo infomercial. "No. I don't know who you are or why you're asking," is a woman's reply on the other end of the line. "I'm Miss Cleo. You're a Libra, aren't you darlin'?" "No." "Yeah! Ha, ha, ha, ha. Who are all these nosy people -- outside influences I'm seeing around the moon card?"

Brief silence. "Who told you to call? Isn't this costing a lot of money?" "Yeah! Ha, ha, ha. I'm seein' a new baby in the next three months." The woman expels a scornful chuckle. "You're way off," she huffs. "Is there a gentleman in your life?" "No." "Is he incarcerated?" "No." "Did he used to play football when he was in high school?" "No." "Yeah, that's the daddy. You have a good life now!"

If you're offended by R-rated language, avoid calls featuring Chris Tucker, Al Pacino, Bruce Willis and Jack Black (they really are funny, though), but don't miss Dr. Phil doling out advice ("I want you to start living as a gay woman"), Judge Judy interrogating a health-food store clerk ("Listen to me! Just answer this question: What is adult novelty?") or Homer Simpson's cry for help ("Mmmmm ... beer!").

Don't be surprised to find Joe Pesci cussing you out the next time you answer your phone.

’Net Junkie drops every Monday.
Contact Shawn "Speedy" Lopes at

Note: Web sites mentioned in this column were active at time of publication. The Honolulu Star-Bulletin neither endorses nor is responsible for their contents.


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