Water Ways
Ray Pendleton
AS all three regular readers of Water Ways know, last week's column extolled the virtues of recreational boating, while drawing on the results of a recent survey that showed boaters are generally happier than non-boaters. A dry land workout plan
to develop your sea legsNaturally, as the following droll list of exercises for racing season from an on-line newsletter for sailors shows, there is always more than one perspective.
When it seems necessary, I'll explain the rationale.
1. Buy a case of beer, sit with it in a very warm place for a few hours, then drink it. (Race boats rarely have refrigeration.)
2. Apply sunscreen to your face in streaks and sit in front of a sun lamp for two hours.
3. Sit on a bench with large metal fixtures cutting into your legs and stare straight up into the sun for two hours.
For a more robust workout: invite some friends to come over and yell at you the whole time. (Sailors can spend hours sitting on the rail as movable ballast and being ordered about by boat bullies.)
4. Go out and get very drunk, sleep four hours, then stand on a rocking chair for six hours. (Sailors frequently celebrate before racing -- and after.)
5. Go to the bank and withdraw $1,000 -- then light it on fire. (A boat has been described as a hole in the water into which you throw money.)
6. Sit in front of a commercial fan and have someone throw large buckets of salt water on you. (Sailing is a water sport.)
7. Repeat number six in jeans and a sweatshirt and/or repeat number six with your head turned sideways to ensure water lodges fully into an ear drum.
8. CUT A LIMB off a nearby tree, tie ropes to it, stand on a rocking chair with tree limb and ropes -- hold them over your head for three hours. At five minute intervals drop limb on your head.
(A boat's boom is named after the noise it makes on contact with a sailor's head.)
9. Set your wristwatch to five-minute repeating counts -- let it go off all day long. (Starting procedures for races can go on forever.)
10. Pour cold water in your lap and give yourself a wedgie -- now alternate between sitting and running around bent over.
11. Tie ropes between two trees -- push your body against them as hard as you can for six consecutive hours -- don't stop for pain or bruising. (Life lines aren't made for comfort.)
12. Place sandpaper on your stairs -- crawl up and down on your knees for several hours. (Non-skid decks are abrasive.)
13. Make 12 sandwiches on white bread with bad meat and cram them into a bread bag -- eat one a day for 12 consecutive days -- make sure the last one is peanut butter and jelly.
14. Tie rope to rear bumper of friend's car, hold on tightly, but allow rope to slip through fingers as car drives away. Tip: works best with nylon fiber ropes in lengths in excess of 50 feet. (Rope burns happen.)
15. Upon completion of previous 14 drills -- sit down and drink 14 Mount Gay rum drinks, any flavor. (Cube Libres -- rum and coke -- are a sailors' favorite after race relaxer.)
Ray Pendleton is a free-lance writer based in Honolulu.
His column runs Saturdays in the Star-Bulletin.
He can be reached by e-mail at raypendleton@mac.com.