Honolulu Lite
Honolulu Lite
French will be fried
if U.S. wins war in IraqIt's not easy being French these days. By the time you read this, we probably will be at war in Iraq. We will be there despite France's attempt to flex its diplomatic muscles and show the world it is more than the Jerry Lewis Fan Club World Headquarters. France's desperate bid to be perceived as the head of the new European World Order will either result in it being looked upon as a sophisticated, far-sighted country or as irrelevant as a Hawaii State Legislature anti-war resolution. It all depends on how the war plays out.
Anti-warmongers feared Afghanistan would become another Vietnam but it didn't even become another Woodstock. The lightning-quick liberation of Afghanistan was a textbook example of how to wage a 21st century war against a 14th century country.
Americans hope it will be the same in Iraq. But it may not. Saddam could commit nationalistic suicide by killing himself, along with thousands of his own people and many of our soldiers by exploding one of his weapons of mass destruction when Marines are at the gates of Baghdad. Or his generals might surrender to Wolf Blitzer after Saddam skips off to Algeria with his millions in stolen loot. As I write this, President Bush has not yet delivered his ultimate, final, last, closing (see: Terminal) ultimatum to Saddam, which I suspect will sound like a heavily militarized version of Dr. Seuss' "Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now!"
And if Saddam does go, the French will be fried. France will be done, pau, kaput (see: Finished) as an international leader. It will be seen as a hand-wringing, pantywaist appeaser of murderous tyrants, not to mention a willing supplier to same because, once Saddam is gone, we will learn the true extent of France's financial investment in that evil regime.
IT'S SCARY TO think that the only way France can come out of this thing looking good is if the war becomes an utter debacle, with oil fields burning, anthrax floating through the air, poisonous gas spreading across the desert and missiles lobbed into Israel, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. Then French President Jacques Chirac can sit back and wave an escargot-stained finger at George Bush, Tony Blair and Juan Valdez (or whoever the prime minister of Spain is) and say, "Zee? I told you zee war is bad t'ing."
God help us should that be the case. Like it or not, all our bets are down on winning a quick, decisive victory in Iraq, and France resuming its role as the silliest nation on the planet and the brunt of many well-deserved jokes. That's a designation, by the way, that France earned well before its latest United Nations fan dance.
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks, it's a fine country, although usually governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain said that, not U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell. But I'll bet he wished he had.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com