Honolulu Lite
Honolulu Lite
Cockroaches
dancing over proposal
to cut trash runsCritics say that in a major concession to the Cockroach Lobby, Mayor Jeremy Harris wants rubbish pickup to be scaled back to once a week.
While the mayor claims the purpose of the change is to promote recycling, others charge it is just another example of political campaign contributors obtaining favors from the mayor's office.
"First it was the architects and engineers, now it's the cockroaches," said one disgruntled homeowner who asked not to be identified, although, if you want to call him, his phone number is 555-4230.
"Look," the man whined. "The first thing the mayor did was go to this automated rubbish pickup thing where we were are limited to one rubbish container. It's bad enough that we have to look at these black eyesores up and down the streets every day. But that was the first secret concession hizzoner made to his insect friends. I've got five kids who eat more than Hannibal's army, including his elephants. You know how much rubbish that makes? Getting it all crammed into the one rubbish bin was bad enough. Now he wants to limit us to one rubbish pick up per week!"
I pointed out that for $8, he could have a second pickup.
"Oh, yeah," he whimpered. "What's that? Some kind of family tax? My next door neighbor won't pay it. He'll be piling up a week's worth of garbage by my driveway. The cockroaches will be doing the merengue on our meringue and the polka on our pizza boxes."
I pointed out that once a week the rubbish men also will pick up green waste or recyclable material, like newspapers and glass.
"Glass!" the man screamed. "Who uses glass? And green waste? Look at my yard, you see anything growing in there? I take about one bag of plant material to the dump every six months, and that's the mold off the side of the house.
"No, this whole thing is a scam. An average family can't be kept to one rubbish can full of garbage a week. People will be dumping their rubbish along the roads or piling it up on some other guy's property. And get this, if the garbage guys find any plastic or glass or recyclable stuff in your rubbish, they won't pick it up at all. They will be like Garbage Police, pawing through your junk, seeing if you have any rubbish violations. In the meantime, garbage is going to be rotting all over the place."
If that were true, why would the mayor suggest such a thing, I asked.
"The cockroaches!" he whinnied. "And the centipedes. And the ants. And those little whatchamacallits with the pincers on their butts. They've obviously kicked in campaign money and now the mayor is paying them back! The island will be their smorgasbord."
I left the guy blathering outside his house next to a plastic sack full of chicken bones and french fry wrappers. I was pretty sure he was nuts. But as I passed a cockroach near his driveway, I swear he was flashing a shaka sign at me.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com