Digital Slob
Digital Slob
‘Beeping Age’ banishes
the bleeping peaceIt's startling how many outdated laws are still on the books. In Nevada, for example, it's illegal to sheer sheep inside city limits, even though there are no longer any non- inflatable sheep in Vegas. And in Florida it's against the law for husband-hunting single women to sky-dive on Sundays, even though I'm told there are no longer any good men in Florida besides those you might glimpse passing through at 30,000 feet.
But perhaps strangest of all, it is still illegal nationwide to disturb the peace, even though in the Digital Age there is no longer any peace to disturb.
In auditory terms, we are living in the "Age of the Beep," as opposed to the "Age of the Honk" ushered in by the likes of Henry Ford and Harpo Marx. (Think how much Harpo could have emoted with a Cingular cell phone and a decent set of ring tones. "Duck Soup" could've easily stolen the Oscar from "Cavalcade" in 1933.)
Beeps now rule the world. They tell us to wake up. They tell us to talk to our mothers. They remind us about the metal plates in our heads at airports. They tell us when we've bought food and when it is hot enough to eat. They keep nurses from putting the cover over our heads in intensive care. Oh, and of course, they took over "The Jerry Springer Show" years ago.
In revolt, some Respectable People old enough to remember moments of silence that were not related to national tragedies are trying to engrave "shhh!" into city ordinances. New York City passed a law banning the use of cell phones in movie theaters, which is sure to move through the courts, entertaining us all during the next cable news respite from "Showdown With (place country's name here)."
The courts have maintained that First Amendment rights do not protect a liar who yells "fire!" in a crowded theater, but they've yet to rule if, in the same venue, it's OK to yell "Hello, Patty!? I'm breaking up with Danny! He's not meeting my needs and he was, like, completely not there for me after my miscarriage!" regardless of whether Danny was truly there for her or not.
But beeping may not be all bad. As you strangle your co-worker the next time he lets his cell phone ring out Iron Butterfly's 17-minute gem "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," research suggests you should also thank him for improving your productivity. With any luck he can stay conscious inside your death grip long enough to gasp "you're welcome," if not long enough to hear the entire drum solo.
But some gratitude, however begrudging, is due because neuroscientists say interrupting us with random noises (like cell phones) reduces our errors and improves our alertness while, no doubt, also creating enough excess blood pressure to pop a champagne cork.
Intuitively, we know this. Truckers who fight to stay awake on cross-country hauls often listen to music they absolutely despise because it's more difficult to fall asleep when they're irritated. This also explains my prolonged insomnia whenever I visit my relatives.
Many cell phones now allow you to tag each caller to a specific song, letting you "produce" your phone lists a la Quincy Jones. I've considered getting married on a whim, just to assign my mother-in-law's incoming calls to Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries," but for now I've resisted the impulse. Marriage may have its upside, but much like the traveler in the famous Robert Frost poem, I have beeps to go before I sleep.
And beeps to go before I sleep.
Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's
production editor. Reach him at
at: cbrandao@starbulletin.com