Alo-Ha! Friday
Bus pass cheaters won’t
like final destinationThe city is cracking down on people who fraudulently obtain discounted bus passes that are supposed to be issued only to disabled riders.
I'm not sure what this "crackdown" involves, but it should involve cracking the offender's legs so they need to use wheelchairs to get around. Or cracking their arms so they have to pick up things with their teeth. Or cracking them on the head so that they see stars instead of the No. 55 to Kaneohe.
We can only hope there is a special place in hell for jerks who use handicapped services they don't need. Speaking of hell, here's the news:
Burned bodies go boom
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (Reuters) >> Dead people are increasingly going out with a bang in Sweden, and the trend is posing serious occupational hazards for crematorium workers.Mortuary officials say there have been a growing number of explosions in caskets during cremations, sparked by undetected pacemakers with batteries that ignite in the intense heat. Silicon implants in women who have had breast surgery also are known to explode.
(Crematorium operators still talk about the time exotic dancer Helga "Boom Boom" Thorfinna took out an entire city block.)
Sailor's dream beached
LONDON (Reuters) >> A British yachtsman has abandoned his round-the-world voyage after taking twice the time needed to circumnavigate the globe just to leave the English Channel.After sailing 130 days, Adrian Cross had managed to sail his boat Gentoo no further than the French port of Brest.
High winds and rough seas caused him to repeatedly return to port.
("Gentoo" is a Scottish word meaning "Try another port, sport.")
This spell spells trouble
BRAZZAVILLE, Congo (Reuters) >> Congolese villagers stoned and beat four teachers to death after they were accused of casting a spell to cause a deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus.(Something tells us the PTA meetings in Brazzaville weren't a rousing success.)
'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
Enter "Honolulu Lite's" Most Expensive Hamburger in Hawaii! contest and win an all-expenses paid lunch at that eating establishment. (Rules: Only U.S. citizens may enter. No one under 5 years old. No employees of "Honolulu Lite" or their relatives, friends, enemies or future acquaintances. "All expenses" for the lunch will be paid by the winner of the contest and will include expenses for the official contest chaperone, who may turn out to be me. OK, it will be me.)
Quote me on this:
"Nothing you can't spell will ever work." -- Will Rogers
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com