Alo-Ha! Friday
My love and care
would kill the
Lake Wilson weedsThe author of a letter to the editor complained recently that while I adequately described the problem of rampant weed growth killing Lake Wilson, I neglected to come up with any solutions.
What? I gotta do everything around here?
I actually do have the answer to getting rid of the green scourge, Salvinia molesta: Simply put me in charge of keeping the rampant plants alive.
When it comes to gardening, I've been told I possess a black thumb. Let me nurture the lake's floating foliage with the loving care that I give all of the late plants in and around my house, and, if history is any indication, they will be dead inside of a month.
And now the news:
The silence of the pigs
COPENHAGEN, Denmark (Reuters) >> Thieves stole 32,000 pig ears from a Danish pet food store, which is offering a $1,500 reward to help nab the culprits. Police have no idea who stole the ears, which are commonly used as a treat for dogs.(When asked about the incident, the 16,000 pigs who make up the Danish Pig Union said they hadn't heard a thing.)
They 'Clapton' in irons
WASHINGTON (Reuters) >> A federal appeals court has ruled that inmates do not have a constitutional right to play electric guitar in federal prison.(Justices cited the little known 342nd Amendment, which states, "Dude, it's like, the founding fathers were not down with the masses playing 'Stairway to Heaven' in the joint.")
Bike a smashing success
HANOI, Vietnam (Reuters) >> Suzuki Motor Corp. says it has no plans to rename its newest motorbike model -- named "Smash" -- even though accidents kill thousands in Vietnam yearly.(The bike was named "Smash" after Suzuki rejected "The Decapitator" and "Two-wheeled Machine of Death.")
'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
The Legislature is considering charging parents of truant children huge fines. Some mainland schools issue parents report cards that grade them on their involvement in their kids' education. This is letting the parents off way too easy. I say we put the parents of underachieving students on chain gangs or, better yet, give them the rack. That'll get their attention.
Quote me on this:
A few special quotes for this Valentine's Day:"The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest." -- Roseanne
"You don't know a woman until you've met her in court." -- Norman Mailer
"I require three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid." -- Dorothy Parker
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com