Honolulu Lite
Honolulu Lite
Beula Mae and Buster
just got preemptedI recently wrote a satirical short story called "Beula Mae and Buster Got Married" that major magazines throughout the country are beating a path to my door to ignore.
The story is about a California hairdresser (Beula Mae) who marries her dog (Buster) and the marriage is upheld by the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. The hard thing about writing satire these days is that it is almost impossible to get ahead of real events.
For instance, I thought suggesting that the 9th Circuit, the zaniest appeals court in the country, would actually uphold a marriage between a human and a dog was so off-the-wall that some people might find it amusing. But before I could get my manuscript into the trash cans of major publications across the land, the 9th Circuit ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional. It's not hard to imagine that a federal court that believes the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional might look with favor on interspecies marriage. And so "Beula Mae and Buster Got Married" began to look less like satire and more like one of psychic Miss Cleo's better predictions.
Now we find out that Colorado lawmakers are trying to elevate the legal status of cats
and dogs from property to companions, a move that would allow the animals' human companions to sue veterinarians for botched gelding procedures and, presumably, sue any neighbors who kick their cats or dogs for felony assault.
In other words, cats and dogs (apparently hamsters, mice, gerbils, gold fish and trained geckos won't enjoy similar legal protections) will become quasi-citizens in Colorado. The city of Boulder and a few other jurisdictions around the country already have established that pet owners aren't actually pet owners at all but pet guardians, a distinction that has left several vicious Rottweilers and pit bull terriers somewhat confused. (Hey, who's guardin' who around here?)
And there are several states that allow people to leave their money and property to dogs and cats after they die (the owner/guardians, that is).
My point is that it is just a hop, skip and a "here boy!" from a pet being considered a legal "companion" and able to inherit a house to becoming a spouse.
So "Beula Mae and Buster Got Married" isn't the ground-breaking bit of biting social fiction I hoped it would be, although there is a cool part in which Buster turns out to be a female, dragging the whole same-sex marriage issue into the mix.
I hope the Hawaii Legislature gets on this Beula Mae and Buster bandwagon and passes a law to make pets citizens because I've got plans for my dog Boomer. I'm not going to marry him, or anything. But if he's going to have rights, he's going to have responsibilities. And I'm not going to leave him a penny in my will until he starts picking up his own doo-doo.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com