Honolulu Lite
Honolulu Lite
Axis of evil names bedevil
the New World DisorderWhen Secretary of State Colin Powell told the U.N. Security Council that Iraq's Saddam Hussein had a "sinister nexus" with terrorist groups, I got a "déjà vu nexus" that I had somehow heard the phrase before.
Then I realized that I had not heard that exact phrase -- sinister nexus -- but eerily similar, scary descriptions of countries and terrorist organizations.
It all started when President Reagan called the Soviet Union an "evil empire," which at the time seemed to some people to be unnecessarily harsh -- not to mention downright unfriendly -- but which had the ultimate effect of the collapse of communism and the opening of several McDonald's restaurants in Moscow. So the world got off pretty good there.
Then George W. Bush called Iraq, Iran and North Korea an "axis of evil," which is just a wordier version of "evil empire." It remains to be seen what the ultimate outcome of Bush's pronouncement will be, although, in the short term, it apparently led to North Korea having a sudden need for electricity.
You could look on the bright side and say that North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is simply firing up his country's nuclear power plants to create enough electricity to run all the McDonald's he expects to soon locate there, but feeding his countrymen hasn't seemed to be a large priority for the Stalin-wannabe. In fact, aside from being one of the only tyrants in the world partial to wearing garage mechanic overalls as his official uniform, Kim apparently is on his way to creating the perfect "communist people's paradise," one with huge military power, a wealthy and pampered ruling elite, and virtually no other people to speak off, seeing as how they were conveniently starved to death.
AFTER POWELL mentioned Saddam's "sinister nexus," I realized that there must be a handbook somewhere that tells American leaders what to call other countries during a crisis. Through the vast investigative resources of the "Honolulu Lite" Intelligence Division, we obtained a copy. It was an eye-opener.
For instance, did you know that Brazil is in "hideous cahoots" with Argentina? And Ireland and Ecuador have established a "bond of bothersome connectedness"?
Syria, Libya and Iceland are considered by U.S. government speech writers as a "baleful brotherhood," and the tiny country of Monaco is called, in intelligence circles, the "malevolent midget."
Some countries are less dangerous than others. For instance, Sweden, Belgium and Greenland appear to have forged an alliance that security analysts refer to as a "yoke of yawn." Madagascar is dismissed by world-watchers as a "lemur tinderbox," and a new diplomatic association between Borneo, Costa Rica and Siberia has been dubbed an "axis of befuddlement."
Nasty names are still being sought for certain countries and alliances. Behind closed doors, State Department wags refer to Cuba as the "evil pimple" and to Grenada as the "evil, sinister offshore medical college place." After a few cocktails, Powell is known to call the curious political relationship between French President Jacques Chirac, Paraguayan President Luis Gonzalez Macchi and American actor Pauley Shore a "nexus of knuckleheads."
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com