Sidelines
From dawn to dusk
with the Super BowlIF this is Super Sunday, then this is being written on Super Saturday, which means my wife is busy flipping between "Beaches," starring Bette Midler, and whatever is on "Lifetime Television for Women." A pre-emptive strike, if you will.
It's not that she doesn't like football. She loves football. But unlike me, she does have outside interests. Me, no. Which is why Super Sunday looms so large.
I intend to watch all 14 hours of televised coverage.
Please be forewarned that this is a vast undertaking. You should not attempt this at home unless you have undergone a rigorous training program, like me.
Here we go!
5 a.m.: Run downstairs, skidding to a Flintstone-esque stop while hitting the power button on the remote on the way past the television.
5:30: (OK, just kidding. Still crashed out.)
6:30: (Comatose.)
7:30: (Zzzzzzzz ...)
9:17: Stumble downstairs. Pick up Sunday Star-Bulletin. Try to avoid reading this column. Come to grips with disappointment of missing "Jimmy Kimmel's Tailgate Party."
9:18: Remark, once again, that Kimmel is the untalented half of the "Man Show" hosts and should not get his own show: "The Carolla guy has been carrying him for years!"
9:20: Pore over Sunday paper (OK, read "Sherman's Lagoon"), watch college basketball, nap.
10:00: PREGAME SHOW!!! Ponder good fortune that Terry Bradshaw will not be singing this year.
10:02: Ponder good fortune that Paul McCartney will not be tarnishing his legend status by singing with Bradshaw this year.
10:03: Bolt upright in abject horror at the thought that perhaps John Madden will be singing this year.
10:11: Try to recall a Super Bowl broadcast in the last 10 years that Sting has not weaseled his way onto.
11:05: Moment of silence for the Buffalo Bills in Super Bowl XXV. XXVI. XXVII. And XXVIII.
11:21: In the middle of teaching wife the proper pronunciation of "Nowitzki," she remarks, "there are lots of good movies on 'Lifetime' today."
Curse cable company.
11:37: PREGAME SHOW!!! continues. 4,074th time someone has uttered the phrase "Cover Two." Shania Twain makes her first appearance.
12:44 p.m.: Determine that, yes, Steve Young has had several concussions, no question about it.
12:51: 8,359th time Jon Gruden is shown with "Chucky" face. Practice own "Chucky" face. Argh!
1:03: Fifth bowl of chili and rice, possibly a new record. Madden and Michaels won't stop. Game won't start. Sting sings. Change channel to "Lifetime."
1:25: Warren Sapp splits his pants. Smartest bet I've ever made.
1:43: Decide that "old" Jordan would smack around "punk North Carolina, with hair" Jordan. Grumble that the quality of Super Bowl commercials has been declining steadily for years.
2:28: Al Michaels is the best in the business. Even if he did think that Dennis Miller was funny.
2:37: Somehow, we've found the "Trading Spaces" Super Bowl halftime show.
3:00: Scream at television: "They should have used Cover Two!"
4:10: Keyshawn Johnson comes out in a Steve Grogan jersey.
4:37: (Comatose.)
Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com