Honolulu Lite
Honolulu Lite
All I am saying is give
pigs and chickens a chanceIn a blow to cows and other large farm animals islandwide, the Honolulu Police Department has resumed using horses for law enforcement.
While horses are not useful in all aspects of crime fighting (they often confuse "read the prisoner his Miranda Rights" with "kick anyone standing behind you savagely in the head") they are handy in specific areas such as managing tourist stampedes, herding pigeons, slow-speed pursuits, decorating the sidewalk with large mounds of digested hay and scaring the bejesus out of little kids.
You might get the idea that I don't like horses. I love horses, as long as they remain where they belong, in old black-and-white westerns.
Horses are the dogs of farm animals. They get all the attention and the best treatment. They get petted and combed and photographed in funny hats. It's not fair. When was the last time you saw a cow march in the parade though Waikiki? Cows love parades as much as horses do, but you never see a pa'u rider loping down Kalakaua Avenue on a cow, waving at the crowd (the pa'u rider, that is).
I'm glad that the police department uses animals for law enforcement. But why are they always horses and dogs? How come you never see a drug-sniffing hamster or a search cat? You drop a phalanx of highly trained search cats from a helicopter onto a ridge in the Koolaus and they not only will land on their feet but they will find that missing hiker in a heartbeat. Of course, after they find him, they'll ignore him and begin playing with dead birds, but they'll find him.
Pigs are considered very smart, but they don't use the same PR agency as horses and dogs. So you never see them used in the public sector. Too bad. Some pigs are large enough to ride and they'd look pretty snappy in blue uniforms with flashing lights Velcroed to their heads. Potential criminals would think twice before taking on a cop mounted on an enormous, fierce, uniformed pig.
Police pigs also would be better for tracking bad guys than dogs. They've got a better, not to mention more discerning, sense of smell. Not only would they run a fugitive to the ground, they'd dig up some truffles along the way.
This police discriminatory speciesism has got to stop. There are many types of animals who would love to serve their state by fighting crime instead of, say, showing up on the menu of the annual HPD barbecue.
Tiny digital cameras could be affixed to the backs of geckos or chickens for use in surveillance. Why risk an officer's life investigating a burglary when you can simply chuck a video chicken through an open window and inspect the building on a television screen? The last thing a burglar expects to see while cracking a safe is a chicken walking into the room.
So, yeah, it's great that the police are using horses to fight crime. How about letting the force be with some of our other feathered and furry friends?
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com