Honolulu Lite
Honolulu Lite
Secret Nomayoan
clone project will
conquer the worldI was going to keep this quiet, but recent news events force me to disclose publicly that I have been successfully cloning human beings for the past few years.
I didn't want to bring it up because, well, I wanted to take over the world before anyone knew what was going on, but that nutty alien cult, the Raelians, stole our idea, not to mention all of the free press.
The Raelians are pursuing cloning for a really dumb reason: to develop a race of people who live forever. My cloning enterprise has a much more humanitarian purpose, which is to rid the world of mayonnaise.
A lot of people know that I have been leading a war against mayo through my worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club (nomayo.com). What we've been keeping kind of hush-hush is that the movement has attracted so many adherents that it has turned into a religion: Nomayoism. Nomayoans believe that humans will enjoy a higher plane of enlightenment, or at least better digestion, when mayonnaise is wiped (with triple-ply towelettes) off the face of the planet.
It's no accident that a French weirdo and admitted mayo lover named Claude Vorilhon suddenly came up with the "Raelian" religion. Nomayoans. Raelians. Coincidence? No way. It's also no coincidence that mayonnaise was invented by the French in a misguided attempt to cover up all the disgusting things they eat, like yard snails, the hind legs of small, pond-dwelling amphibians and the more repulsive internal organs of rabbits and shoats.
Claude changed his name to Rael because there's never been a religion headed up by a guy name Claude. It just won't work. Nobody's going to say "I swear to Claude!" or "Claude damn it!" when they're angry. Or "Claude bless you!" when somebody sneezes.
I HAVE NO idea how Claude came up with the name Rael, except that it almost spells "liar" backward. He claims he met some 4-foot-tall space aliens in 1973 who taught him all about cloning but suspiciously didn't slip him any winning lottery numbers or advise him not to dress like an orderly in a hospital for the mentally infirm. It's a fact that most claims of alien encounters are mayo-induced hallucinations brought on by Hellman overdoses. You see a guy ask for extra mayo at Subway, and a few minutes later he'll be out in the parking lot yelling, "Take me to your mother ship!" to a fire hydrant.
Claude clearly found out that Nomayoans were cloning humans in an effort to create a race of people with good taste. He may want to stop us, but he's too late.
Some people won't believe that I can clone humans, despite my seven years of high school introductory science courses and a semester of "Soils" in college. Fact is, there are some basic cloning recipes on the Internet for anyone with access to an electric blender, dog fur and Miracle Grow plant food. It's just a few short steps from cloning a dog to a cow to Al Gore to an actual human.
I don't feel I need to submit the results of my cloning program to the scientific community for confirmation. Every time you hear someone yell, "Hold the mayo!" in a deli or see a diner throw a BLT at a waitress because she snuck mayonnaise on his sandwich, you'll know that the Nomayoan clones are out there.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com