Honolulu Lite
Honolulu Lite
Searching for inspiration
for 2003With 2003 just a few days away, I wanted to write something profound. Or uplifting. Or inspiring. I wrote something uplifting once and it made it into one of those "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books and I was paid $300. Granted, I was uplifting by accident (I was shooting for droll), but still, there's nothing like inspiring people and getting paid for it. Lord knows $300 would come in handy after that orgy of holiday shopping.
I was actually hoping to win the Powerball lottery last week. My brother bought me some tickets in Oregon, or at least he said he did. We've got this running discussion going. He says he "bought" me lottery tickets, and then after the drawing he tells me I lost and I owe him five bucks. There's never any evidence that the tickets actually were purchased, and I suspect I'm simply subsidizing his beer habit to the tune of five smackers a week.
Instead of letting him or the lottery computer pick the numbers, this time I gave him the six numbers I wanted. That way, if my numbers were picked in the $300 million jackpot and he didn't have the winning ticket for me, it would be proof that he had been pocketing my investment. On Christmas Day the big drawing took place, and not one of my numbers was picked. It must be almost as hard to pick NO numbers that match as it is to pick the winning combination. I think the lottery folks ought to toss a few bucks your way if you can't match even one number, kind of a Pathetic Losers Allowance to encourage you to keep giving money to either the lottery people or your brother, since the odds of winning apparently are indistinguishable.
So lottery winnings will not occlude the hemorrhaging credit cards of Christmas this year, and this bucket of words doesn't seem to be reaching the lofty levels of inspiration and profundity needed to wrestle another $300 from the "Chicken Soup" publishing empire.
Ironically, local writer and editor Robin Stevens has put together "Chicken Soup for the Soul of Hawaii," which will be released to the world in a few months. Robin has been working on this book for ages and is really excited that it is finally coming out. You'd have to know Robin to understand that she lives in a charming if constant elevated state of enthusiasm, so for her to be even more excited than usual is just a little alarming.
I believe a few of my essays will be included in the Hawaii "Chicken Soup" book, although I don't recall submitting anything more profound then suggestions of what do to with a used lei and perhaps something about my continuing campaign for mandatory chicken fights, wherein no chicken can be served in a restaurant without having fallen in the glory of battle.
But come to think of it, it would be curious for a "Chicken Soup" inspirational book to include a treatise proposing that all chickens fight to the death before becoming a teriyaki sandwich, so I'm probably wrong there. In any case, publishers of the "Chicken Soup" books are not as warm and fuzzy as the contents of their publications, and nobody gets paid until the pulp hits the store shelves.
As a backup financial plan for this time of year, we are in a race with the devil to get our tax forms in early so we can get a refund. If anything, a new year inspires you to be creative financially because the legal damages can be profound.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com