Honolulu Lite
Honolulu Lite
’Tis the season that
headline writers loveHere's a little secret that very few people know: I usually write the headlines for this column. I know, I know. It's amazing. The guy not only writes four columns a week, but also writes the headlines. How does he do it? How does he handle the workload? It's as if Brett Favre didn't just quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, but he also stenciled the names and numbers on all the team jerseys. Brett and me, baby, we're just givers.
Headline writing can be brutal. But if you're a pro, you learn some tricks. For instance, at this time of year, you can get away with at least three headlines that start off "'Tis the season ..." Look up there.
See? Today's headline is doubly clever because it's a 'Tis the Season headline for a column about 'Tis the Season headlines. Headline writers all over the world are unloading 'Tis the Season headlines on newspapers and on Internet news stories. Why? Because it's timely, it's cute and, most of all, it's easy. And it doesn't have to have anything to do with Christmas. The Christian Science Monitor just ran the headline "'Tis the season for brutal Senate infighting" for a story about Trent Lott.
The Kansas City Star jumped in with "'Tis the season for braggin' rights for Mizzou and Illinois." I have no idea what a "Mizzou" is, but I suspect this was a sports story.
A wire story got into the spirit of the season with the headline "'Tis the season for domestic violence."
Just exactly what kind of season 'tis? Check out these headlines from around the globe:
'Tis the season for fortunes, festive frolics (Moscow Times story on pagan holidays)
'Tis the season to stand in line (Amarillo Globe News on post office lines)
'Tis the season for Toys for Tots (Huntington Herald on Connecticut toy collecting)
'Tis the season to be brainwashed (San Francisco Bay View on "war toy" for kids)
'Tis the season for more confusion (Barbados Daily Nation bizarre story about who knows what)
'Tis the season for college financial aid (Grundy County Herald on Tennessee college tuition)
'Tis the season for bad checks (Macomb Daily on holiday felons in Michigan)
'Tis the season to hug your TV (Globe and Mail on Canadian television watching)
'Tis the season for thefts and shoplifting (Kingsport Times News about Tennessee residents who apparently who turn to stealing after being unable to get college aid)
'Tis the season for scholarship scams (The Saratogian of New York on more college-related criminal enterprises)
'Tis the season to feast on stocks (Forbes magazine)
'Tis the season for cops to extort goodies (Straits Times of Singapore on dirty cops)
'Tis the season to cry and grieve (Canada Western Catholic Reporter story written to really get you in the mood for the holidays)
'Tis the season to expect vandalism (Anchorage Daily News. Who knew the season was so dangerous?)
'Tis the season to frag with Linux (LinuxWorld. Some incomprehensible computer thing)
'Tis the season to be snappy (United Kingdom story on "long queues and crowded stores")
'Tis the season for menorahs, latkes and dreidels, oh my! (Jewish Star Times)
'Tis the season for revenge, vow right-wingers (Independent Online of South Africa about political unrest)
'Tis the season for tasty soup as island temperatures drop (Taipei Journal of Taiwan)
If you just never tire of reading headlines that start off with "'Tis the season," go online and type in those words, and you'll be in 'tis heaven. For the record, 'tis the season actually only to be jolly, according to the famous Christmas fa-la-la song. That ditty also urges everyone to "don gay apparel," but that's a completely different subject. With apologies to author Frank McCourt, is this the end of this column? 'Tis.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com