Honolulu Lite
Ala Moana Center still
top shopping utopiaA wise man once said that, in theory, there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there is. I don't know why that observation was knocking around in my brain as I prowled the lower parking lot at Ala Moana Center for an empty space except that, in theory, going Christmas shopping at Ala Moana Center seems to be a smart thing to do, but in practice, it can provoke the most demure soccer mom to want to take a life.
But it is mandatory that citizens of Honolulu make at least one trip to the venerable temple of shopping during the holiday season, if only to remind us that, during this period of love, peace and brotherhood, each of us is capable of homicide.
Muslims go on a pilgimage to Mecca, Christians go to Jerusalem, beauty contestants go to Disneyland and we go to Ala Moana Center. It's part of the grand design of the universe.
As with any pilgrimage, a trip to Ala Moana should involve some enlightenment. For instance, as I not-so-patiently waited for an elderly man who looked like a stunt double for Walter Matthau to put his packages into his trunk, hobble into the driver's seat, put on his seat belt, adjust the radio, air conditioner, rearview mirror, side mirrors and basically take his sweet time doing everything within his power to annoy me, I realized I didn't need to wait for this yahoo to vacate this particular parking spot. It was 10 in the morning, for godsakes -- on a weekday -- and there would be plenty of empty spaces on the upper deck. Having to fight for a parking spot at Ala Moana has become so ingrained into us from childhood that we apparently feel the need to engage in it even if we don't have to.
That was the first bit of enlightenment. The second was that the restrooms at California Pizza Kitchen are much nicer than the ones in Sears. While the Sears toilets do have the hands-free, self-flushing mechanism, the toilet paper there is as fine as gossamer, which is great if you're constructing a model airplane but leaves something to be desired when employed to the task for which it is provided. The toilet paper at California Pizza Kitchen is sturdier stuff. I point this out as a public service, not because I'm some sort of toilet paper freak. The fact is, that to compound the general aggravation of dealing with Christmas shopping crowds, I had a bit of a "tummy ache" that necessitated my visit to restrooms on opposite ends of that vast (Vast!) shopping center.
Anyway, with that crisis over, I realized why an expedition to Ala Moana is a holiday necessity. In these days of cookie-cutter shopping malls, Ala Moana still has that local island character that has made it unique for decades. There's something comforting about walking by Thom's Barber Shop and seeing the same women cutting hair who have been there since 1969. It's fun to go into the Rolex shop and make the clerk think you're actually going to buy a $10,000 watch or to enter Sharper Image to see what technological marvels are available to everyone richer than you are. Deciding where to eat at the enormous food court is one of life's fabulous frustrations.
Visiting Ala Moana Center during the holidays is something like undergoing gall bladder surgery: It has to be done. There's some pain involved, but you feel great afterward.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com