The Goddess Speaks
The Goddess Speaks
Old takes on young love
I pursed my lips while laughing so food wouldn't spew as he spoke over lunch of a woman he had been living with but wasn't in love with.
"What's so funny?" he asked, indignantly.
Here he was, approaching 50, speaking like a college freshman who didn't quite know how he found himself in such mess.
"Does she know this?" I asked, choking my chuckle.
"I've told her," said the platonic acquaintance, here on vacation.
And?
"She thinks I'm of the 'you're in love with me, you just don't know it yet' variety."
This could be any person, perhaps going through midlife crisis, living with someone who might be a 20-something with all the time in the world; if she were 40-something her reaction, hopefully, would be different.
With age 40 should come the sharpening of senses, a type of higher intellect. Selective hearing should be a thing of the past. If someone's honest enough to say sorry, wrong tree, that's the cue for responding, "Check please, life's short, gottarunseeya."
People in their 40s have gone through enough to know immediately when they've stumbled upon someone they really like. They're also less likely to stay in no-win situations. By this age they should know when to let go, even if they'd rather not, like passing on fudge cake and its empty calories for the sake of a beneficial diet.
THAT WOMAN COULD use a talk with my mainland bud Curtis. He's heard stories of my life trials and helped shake me from many a delusion state.
"I'm going to stop seeing him," I said to Curtis, recounting a recent dating episode. "He's seven years younger ..."
"That's not so bad," he interrupted.
"... and said he works too much right now to offer a meaningful relationship," I continued.
"You're right, get out of that boxing ring," he said.
Heh?
"You'll be in that ring, jabbing left while he ducks. Upper cut, he dodges.
"You'll work up a sweat for the prize, in a frenzy for a knockout. Then he'll jump out of the ring.
"Don't loiter," he said of the workaholic, "when he's holding a sign that clearly says 'do so at your own risk.'"
MY LUNCH COMPANY'S girlfriend had been waging that losing battle for two years.
"If you know you're not in love," I ask, "why do you continue to live with her?"
He shrugged. My guess was, he was preparing to bail out of that ring.
Curtis knows firsthand about the boxing ring, dodging several who danced and jabbed as fast as they could before throwing in the towel. When he did meet the one he eventually married, the relationship wasn't a workout, it just flowed -- as it ideally should.
Most men will tell a woman where she stands early in the dating game, through behavior (sporadic calls, loosely planned get-togethers) if not straight up, as my lunch acquaintance did. But this is usually when women they are speaking with don't want to hear the bad news. They're too busy playing the lead in "Bridget Jones's Diary." He asks where she wants to have dinner, and she hears "Let's pick out china patterns."
When the young are involved, this 'temporary disability' isn't called selective hearing, it's called naiveté or even fearlessness.
Youth means, for most, less wear and tear on the heart, as well as, uh, the equipment. They'll dive right in with plenty of time to stay 12 rounds, throwing caution to the wind. If it's a draw there's always someone 'round the corner, ready to jump in the ring.
If I were younger, I might have hung onto that workaholic gentleman, calling him Boyfriend for two years, hoping the relationship would evolve. His last girlfriend did that, finally throwing in the towel and bringing on a split.
She was younger than him.
I, however, older and supposedly attuned, heard the red flags flapping, the warning sirens wailing -- and pressed the mute button for a few weeks before finally saying, "This doesn't work for me, I cannot see you anymore."
Conveniently, he moved away to accept a promotion.
Dismissing any lingering thoughts, I tell myself it's just as well.
Ruby Mata-Viti is a Star-Bulletin features page designer/writer. "The Goddess Speaks" is a Tuesday feature by and about women. If you have something to say, write "The Goddess Speaks," 7 Waterfront Plaza, Suite 210, Honolulu 96813; or e-mail features@starbulletin.com
The Goddess Speaks is a column by and about
women, our strengths, weaknesses, quirks and
quandaries. If you have something to say, write it
and send it to "The Goddess Speaks," 7 Waterfront Plaza, Suite 210, Honolulu 96813; or e-mail features@starbulletin.com.