Alo-Ha! Friday

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Sign typo dedicates freeway
to 1 lone veteran

---

Picky local lawyer Earle Partington noticed that signs on the former H-2 freeway declare it the renamed "Veteran's Memorial Freeway."

"I would like to know who that 'one' veteran is for whom the freeway is named," says Earle. We think he is cleverly trying to point out the wayward apostrophe.

The noted defense attorney took time to berate me on another matter. "Quit picking on the judges with your phony criticisms that they are too soft on criminals," he wrote. That's funny coming from a guy who is known for giving judges fits. I was present once when his courtroom antics caused a federal judge to growl, "Keep it up, counselor, and we'll have a Partington of the ways!"

On that note, let's go to some really dumb crime news:

Dumb criminal No. 1

TEHRAN, Iran (Reuters) >> Iranian police are looking for a phony sorcerer who conned a man into believing he was invisible and could rob banks. The deluded robber was arrested as he snatched bank notes from customers' hands.

(Justice may be blind but it's not stupid.)

Dumber criminal No. 2

BERLIN (Reuters) >> A German bank robber who forgot to cut open eye slits in his mask was easily identified by security cameras when he lifted the front of his mask to demand money from a teller. "He was a real amateur," a police spokesman said. "He looked straight into the camera."

(Robber 101: The purpose of a mask is to ...?)

Mo' dumb Nos. 3 and 4

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (Reuters) >> Malaysian police detained two suspected robbers after catching them with their pants down. The men were nabbed when they stopped in a forest to change out of their break-in clothes after robbing a house.

(Stupidity clearly knows no nationality.)

Down-under dumbness

SYDNEY (Reuters) >> Suspected thieves on the run from Australian police picked the wrong place to hide: the prime minister's heavily guarded harbor home. They were nabbed after they triggered alarms that released security dogs.

(Ya know, mate, it's a fair dinkum screw-up like this that'll get you kicked out of the Ned Kelly Memorial Outlaw Club.)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

The hottest Christmas gift this year just could be the new "use at home" heart defibrillators.

Now you too can yell "Clear!" like TV medics do and zap that family member back to life or simply get that sleepy teenager out of bed.

Quote me on this: "A republic is doomed to tyranny; the worst sort of tyranny -- public opinion." -- James Huneker

---

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

---