Honolulu Lite
New health survey shows
obese people hate surveysNew statistics reveal that one out of three Americans are obese. This is a shocking situation and demands immediate action. First, we must come up with a happier definition for the word "obese." Second, we must put a halt to the damaging and rampant domestic production of new statistics.
New statistics are clearly hurting this country. When was the last time you saw a new statistic that offered any good news? Have you seen any new statistics to the effect that smoking cigarettes eases stress, increasing the life expectancy of easily agitated worrywarts? Or have you seen a new statistic showing that a single french fry can improve an individual's overall outlook on life by 42 percent?
To hell with new statistics. I say stick with the old statistics, like those from the British Admiralty Gin and Tonic Survey of 1793 which found that 98 percent of those who had several stiff gin and tonics per day were completely free of scurvy. Or statistics from the 1923 Wisconsin Board of Health Butter and Cheese Poll which showed that absolutely no one ever starved to death on a diet of butter and cheese.
But we have these new statistics on obesity, and we must confront them head on. The most economical way to do that would be to change the definition of the word "obese." If 60 million Americans are obese, then the word should mean something less offensive than "excessively fat." That just hurts people's feelings. If we legally change the meaning of the word "obese" to "cute" or "magnanimous," then 60 million Americans would feel pretty good about themselves.
I don't know who was on the committee that came up with the current meaning of "obese," but I'll bet there wasn't a plate of nachos within a mile of those meetings. Currently, someone is obese if they are 30 pounds over a "healthy body weight." Guess who came up with the "healthy body weight" chart? It wasn't anyone who has ever eaten an entire Blooming Onion at Outback Steakhouse or jumbo-size anything, ever. It was a pack of celery-nibblers and ice cube-suckers who came up with the "healthy body weight" chart.
Get this: According to that chart, a large-framed man who is 6 feet 4 inches tall is supposed to weigh 181 pounds. I saw a man built like that once. In the Sudan. I'm 6 foot 1, and according to this chart my ideal weight would be 160 pounds. I haven't seen 160 pounds since 1973. The only way I will be 160 pounds again is through advanced decomposition. According to this chart, at my weight, I should be 10 feet 4 inches tall.
This "new" study comes from the National Center for Health Statistics, members of which should immediately have all protractors, pencils and other pointy objects removed from their persons. Not only do these carrot freaks say that one out of three Americans is obese, but that 64.5 percent of us are overweight. Isn't the country in a deficit? Why are we paying these spoilsports to spit out "new statistics" that ruin the day of 64.5 percent of the country's population?
Excessively skinny people obviously are more of a threat to the country than the hardy, the robust and stout. Statistics show that four out of five disgustingly skinny people conduct government health surveys. We must make them stop.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com