’Net Junkie

Shawn "Speedy" Lopes

Rent A Jerk handles
your odious tasks

You hate your ex. She hates you. Maybe your former beau screwed you over and it's time to get even. Or perhaps your ex-girlfriend can't take a hint and refuses to think of herself as being your old, old lady. You really don't want to deal with this stuff, do you?

Then don't. Log onto instead. This unique Toronto-based operation promises to do all the dirty work for you with three grades of service. First is their "Just A Jerk" package, which includes a customized script, pre-approved via e-mail, and a telephone call from a Rent A Jerk staff member to anywhere in the U.S. or Canada. Cost is $15.

Then there's the "Jerko Supremo," which includes an audio cassette of the actual call "for your perverse enjoyment" for $25. Even if a simple anonymous note to the scoundrel in question is enough, by taking an extra step through Rent A Jerk, you can have your letter re-routed through Toronto and leave the recipient scratching his (or her) head. It's only five bucks through Rent A Jerk.

"Dump that loser," the Web site proclaims. "This was our original service and it's still our most popular request to this day." Second on the list, says Rent A Jerk, is "guerilla office warfare." If you've got a person at the workplace you can't stand, you're not alone. "Your tape was hilarious," remarks one happy customer. "I've played it over our office complex's public address system."

Perhaps you've tired of spurning the advances of some jerk who can't get it through his thick skull that you're just not interested. Let him know you're serious, once and for all!

And who hasn't been left fuming by deadbeat friends who conveniently forget to repay an act of kindness and actually go out of their way to evade you when payday comes around. "It's the easiest way to get around an awkward situation," claims Rent A Jerk.

For the particularly cruel, get oblivious offenders to improve their personal hygiene, like maybe brushing their teeth or washing their feet, without having to confront them directly.

As you can imagine, the uses for such a service are endless. "Be creative," says Rent A Jerk. "If you are faced with a unique situation and feel our service may be able to assist you, please contact us and we'll work with you to ensure that you achieve a satisfactory resolution to your predicament."

’Net Junkie drops every Monday.
Contact Shawn "Speedy" Lopes at

Note: Web sites mentioned in this column were active at time of publication. The Honolulu Star-Bulletin neither endorses nor is responsible for their contents.

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