Honolulu Lite

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Readers to vote on
world’s funniest joke

Alo-Ha friday

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Here's a test for regular readers of "AloHa Friday," who are said to have a keen, though decidedly twisted, sense of humor. The British Association for the Advancement of Science just completed a study to determine the world's funniest joke. And the winner was:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

"My friend is dead!" he gasps. "What can I do?"

Calmly, the operator says, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence. Then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

E-mail me at cmemminger@ starbulletin.com if you agree that's the funniest joke in the world. If not, send something better.

And now the news:

In Iran, film critics rule

TEHRAN, Iran (Reuters) >> An Iranian court has sentenced three Iranian men to 64 lashes each for filming and harassing women in the streets.

The men, from Hamburg, came to Tehran on holiday and attempted to make a documentary film on social life in the Islamic republic. According to Islamic law, social contact between unmarried members of the opposite sex is illegal.

(The men asked that their lashings be filmed to give their documentary the boffo ending they were looking for.)

It's three-Saddam monte

BERLIN (Reuters) >> A German television network said it has made a scientific study of 450 photographs of Saddam Hussein and concluded there are at least three doubles posing as the Iraqi president.

"In the film sequences since 1998, only the doubles appear," said a coroner who took part in the study.

(Asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, "No problem. All of our laser-guided bombs look alike, too.")

Big birds big in Berlin

BERLIN (Reuters) >> German parliamentarians are sticking out their necks for the rights of ostriches. The bird has become a popular dish for Germans seeking alternatives to traditional meat and poultry after a number of Europe-wide health scares. Lawmakers think ostriches have a right to be raised under humane and healthy conditions.

(The ostriches think they have the right to go back to Australia where they are considered atmosphere, not food.)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

In an effort to crack down on noisy fowl in neighborhoods, the City Council has been struggling to figure out whether chickens are pets. It's a simple question: If it tastes good with teriyaki sauce, the animal is not a pet.

Quote me on this:

"If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." -- Robert Cringely

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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

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