Put this in your
voter’s guide
I'm not sure election night is any more fun if you're hip to the candidates. After all, when you know which ones are certifiably insane, it's scary seeing how many votes they pile up.
But if you don't know them, it's hard to tell them apart. They're a mass of Type-A personalities, busily mouthing feel-goods while desperately resisting being pinned to a specific position. Here are a few suggestions to stand out from the herd:
>> Wherever you go, have your arrival trumpeted by a malo-clad youth blowing a conch shell.
>> Wear the cultural garb of your district. Not ethnic clothing; that's tacky. We're talking Polo shirts for Kailua residents, tie-dye for North Shore, Reyn's for Mililani, Izod for Kahala and so on.
>> If you're running for office, actually wear running sweats.
>> Always wear those giant, orange foam Number-One hands for waving. Also comes in handy later for roll-call votes.
>> Halloween occurs between now and the general election. The machete-in-the-head prop and the dangling eyeball gag aren't used much by candidates during debates, but they should be.
>> Go everywhere by horseback, like a Canadian Mountie. Oh, wait, Clayton Hee tried that one.
-- Burl Burlingame
bburlingame@starbulletin.com
