Honolulu Lite

CHARLES MEMMINGER

This swimming feat
doesn’t hold water

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The news media recently made a big deal out of a Slovenian man completing "the longest swim in history." Martin Strel is credited with swimming the 2,400 mile length of the Mississippi River from Minnesota to the Gulf of Mexico.

Swimming? The Mississippi flows from north to south. So that's not swimming, that's floating. Strel says he plans to attempt other "swimming" records, like swimming down the Yukon River in Alaska. Hey, buddy, swim UP the Yukon River and you've done something. Better yet, come to Hawaii and swim completely around Oahu or the Big Island. Water wings not allowed.

Now the news:

Quiet ad makes noise

LONDON (Reuters) >> A British seaside landlady was targeted by a hate campaign after an advertisement for her apartment mistakenly said she was seeking a "white person" as tenant instead of a "quiet person."

Since the misprint, the disabled grandmother said "lots of people have rung up swearing at me ... I've tried to explain but they don't listen."

(All sides were appeased when she finally leased the flat to an Ethiopian mime.)

Don't pooh pooh forensics

SIDNEY (Reuters) >> A glob of dog excrement on a Queensland robber's shoe has been used as evidence, landing the man a 10-year prison sentence.

Police used security camera photos to match the pattern of excrement found at the crime scene to that on robber Jacob Smith's shoe.

(You could say Mr. Smith is in deep legal doodoo but probably shouldn't.)

Airline was dead wrong

SAN JOSE, Calif. (Reuters) >> The body of a California man headed for burial in his native Mexico mistakenly ended up in Greece and weeping relatives only discovered the mix-up when they opened the casket and found a stranger inside.

(When asked who the man in the Mexico casket was, airline officials said, "It's Greek to us.")

Honolulu Lite on Sunday:

A recent "Honolulu Lite" on how to properly dispatch a centipede (we like to use a machete) caused centipede haters to crawl out of the woodwork. On Sunday, readers will share their favorite ways of getting a leg up on the excessively limbed creatures.

Quote me on this:

In honor of tomorrow's primary election:

>> "The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs." -- Alphonse de Lamartine

>> "Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president but don't want them to become politicians in the process." -- John F. Kennedy

>> (Regarding a recently deceased politician): "I did not attend the funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

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