’Net Junkie
Enter the ninja spoofs
Throughout the culturally bereft 1980s, you could judge a movie by the number of ninjas it featured. A ninja appearance within five minutes of the film's opening credits was the mark of a truly bad movie. Come to think of it, the appearance of a ninja anywhere in a film was probably enough to put it into the dog category.
But kids were fascinated by these enigmatic assassins and their shadowy ways. A friend of mine even sent away for a ninja outfit with a mail order form cut out of the back pages of a kung fu magazine. He said it was for protection. I guess he figured if someone tried to lift his parents' TV set, the sight of a 13-year-old in a ninja costume would be enough for the burglar to rethink his actions, turn tail and run.
Even back then, though, I knew enough to separate reality from fantasy. Video shop rental racks were stocked with copies of "Enter The Ninja," "Revenge of the Ninja" and "Ninja Phantom Heroes USA." But how seriously could one take such mindless drivel? For a blast from the past, try www.entertheninja.com for a list of more laughable ninja flicks.
Better yet, try www.realultimatepower.net, a site by Robert Hamburger, a guy who claims to have "studied" ninjas through watching such films and by playing video games like Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. Nice credentials. He can now punch walls without feeling pain, he boasts.
"Hi, this site is all about ninjas. REAL NINJAS," his home page reads. "These guys are cool. And by cool, I mean totally sweet. Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon, the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window." Uh-huh.
Of course, such blatantly erroneous and fanciful information earns its share of hate mail. One e-mailer shot off a rant punctuated by 28 expletives, while a ninjitsu expert demanded an apology to real practitioners of the art and called for the condemnation of the Website. "If that does not work, I will pay you a visit to teach you what real shinobi is capable of doing," he writes. "And believe me ... I can and will visit you. God help you if you don't respond." See what I mean about taking this ninja stuff too seriously?
’Net Junkie drops every Monday.
Contact Shawn "Speedy" Lopes at slopes@starbulletin.com.