Honolulu Lite
Alo-Ha friday
Mongooses in Hawaii don't get any respect. They are forced to scavenge in rubbish cans for food. They dash for their lives across highways while drivers play "Mush the Mongoose."
Life is better for mongooses in other parts of the world. I came across a Web site celebrating "Mongoose Apartments" in the British Virgin Islands. Imagine, mongooses being given their own apartments. According to the Web site, Mongoose Apartments are "tastefully furnished ... with a private balcony, living room and fully equipped kitchen ... all nestled within lovingly landscaped grounds."
Obviously, the Virgin Islanders know how to treat their mongooses. In honor of mongooses everywhere, this is a special "All Varmint" edition of "AloHa Friday." Now the varmint news:
Locals badger road crew
LONDON (Reuters) >> Local officials were furious after road workers apparently painted a white line on the side of a highway right over the furry body of a dead badger. Britain's Sun newspaper splashed a photo of the badger across a half page, showing a freshly painted white line going right over the dead animal's back.(Officials were further outraged to discover a nearby "speed bump" actually was a family of bunny rabbits covered with asphalt crossing the road.)
This hamster got wheels
LONDON (Reuters) >> British detectives are investigating the mystery of a hamster found driving a toy racing car along a promenade at a northern seaside resort.The hamster, nicknamed Speedy, was handed in by a member of the public who found him cruising through the resort in a car powered by a treadmill.
(Speedy was quoted as saying, "Rats. I finally get going someplace on that damn wheel, and then this happens.")
Hedgehogs aren't sonic
LONDON (Reuters) >> Britain's hedgehogs are in rapid decline as modern farming destroys their habitats and food supply.The population of the spiny mammals is based on estimates of hedgehogs found dead on roadways, which have increased dramatically since 1991.
(Road crews regularly remove the dead porcupinelike animals from the roadways because "they are too difficult to paint.")
'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
Has this happened to you? You're at Costco or some big-box store, and someone is pushing a shopping cart in your direction. You're not moving. He's got to see you. But he doesn't! He pushes the blasted cart right into you as if you weren't even there! Maybe you weren't. Scientists now believe that energy fields in large shopping complexes cause certain people to become invisible.
Quote me on this:
"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." -- Frank Zappa
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com