Honolulu Lite
Snide remarks are
the ticket to troubleAlo-ha Friday
A reader submits this almost completely true story: "I went into a store in Kapahulu the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I said, 'Come on, buddy. How about giving a guy a break?' He kept writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi and he started writing a second ticket for an expired safety sticker. So I called him a big ugly jerk and he wrote a third ticket for a broken tail light. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner."
And now the news:
Which one is the airbag?
LONDON (Reuters) >> Giant airbags could one day save the world from a cosmic collision with a large comet, a U.S. scientist believes.Instead of shooting an incoming comet with rockets, university researcher Hermann Burchard believes it would be better to send a spaceship equipped with a massive airbag that could be inflated to several miles wide and used to gently buffet the invading solar body away from a collision with earth.
(Alternately, the spaceship could be armed with a giant tennis racket and piloted by Venus and Serena Williams.)
Silo worker a has-bean
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (Reuters) >> A Swedish man was killed when he was buried alive under a 13-ton pile of peas in a storage silo. The man was doing electrical work inside the silo when the peas were dumped on him.(Needless to say, he was really pea ... uh, I guess we can't say that in a family newspaper.)
Fun with drug addicts
BANGKOK (Reuters) >> Thailand is considering manufacturing fake speed pills that cause headaches and vomiting to stop people from abusing drugs."If drug addicts take these fake pills and vomit, they may later feel scared and not want to touch them again," Sitha Thiwaree, a member of Parliament, said during a drug seminar.
(And then they can make fake heroin that causes addicts to run around in circles and fake crack that makes all of their hair fall out and fake cocaine that causes them to involuntarily move their bowels ... hey, this could start a whole new form of drug addict-related entertainment! )
Honolulu Lite on Sunday:
Plug the Blowhole with Quikrete, Nerf the flanks of Diamond Head, install Velcro okole attachments to the seat cushions on the Waikiki Trolley, sell pre-masticated teriyaki steak in restaurants and other great ideas for making Hawaii completely safe for tourists.
Quote me on this
"Be thankful we aren't getting all the government we're paying for." -- Will Rogers
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com