Sidelines
‘Football Fever’
is here ... at lastALOHA and welcome, everyone. Welcome back to your favorite part of your favorite time of year. That's right, once again it's almost time for the Star-Bulletin's "Football Fever" contest. You love this contest. Every ballot is a brand new thrill. You get to feel a part of the action, you get to create your own destiny, and, of course, you get to watch your distinguished panel "make A" every single week.
Oh, the humanity.
Only a complete fool would have stuck with picking Oregon State to win last year, and only in the "Football Fever" contest could you see that fool do it in the paper again and again. And, yes, painfully, again.
You will remember that in last year's final "Football Fever" standings for picking football winners I finished mmmblbmmblph ...
What? Cannot hear!
Luhmblmblph ...
Hah?!
Last! I was last! LAST! Behind the guy picking his nose in his mug shot!
Yes, I said that you love this contest. For me, it is mostly public pain and humiliation.
When you have a bad week, everyone knows it. Everywhere you go, people talk about the race. Everywhere.
A jubilant, sweaty, celebratory locker room. I ask about a last second, improbable win. UH offensive lineman Manly Kanoa executes perfect stink eye in return. "Eh! I not going talk to you -- you picked us to lose!"
Of course, it is Manly, and so of course, it is immediately followed by a big smile and "Nah nah nah nah nah nah!" But he had to let me hear about it first.
The public really loves this contest.
But I'm back -- along with the boss, Paul Arnett, radio funny guys Lanai and Augie and the boys from KITV, Robert Kekaula and Kanoa Leahey -- for more madcap football-picking hijinks.
And speaking of public humiliation, wait until you see the publicity photos. There will be no doubt that any of us possesses a sense of humor.
But it was for a good cause, so that once again, you can turn to your Star-Bulletin each week, peruse the picks, compare the records and say, "At least I'm doing better than THAT guy."
I look at it as a public service. Plus, they forced me.
But this will be a new year. Now I have a system. It is the same system used, in that classic, timeless episode, by Dwayne in the "What's Happening?" TV show. Raj, Rerun and Dwayne learn that gambling is wrong, but not before Dwayne goes on an unbelievable hot streak, choosing his winners by who had the best looking helmets.
He goes with Tampa Bay, because its was "orange, with a pirate on it."
(Sometimes I think there were two people in the world who liked the old Buccaneers uniforms. Me, and Dwayne.)
This should be better. It has to be better. Relying on intelligence, experience, gut feelings? That's what gave me Oregon State.
It isn't easy finishing last in "Football Fever." Especially not at the prize giveaway, not with Lanai and Augie as emcees. In fact, I think they may have taken it easy on me. It was too easy a target for humor professionals like themselves.
But this is a new year. A new slate. I feel refreshed. Invigorated. The contest starts next week. Grand prize is a new car. A nice one, with a trunk big enough to hold me, Lanai and Augie. (Don't ask.)
You'll be seeing the promos. You'll love this contest. I know I'm ready. My past record speaks for itself.
I think I can be this year's Oregon State.
Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com