Honolulu Lite
It’s Mom’s fault
I can’t sue McDonald’sMy brothers and I went through a number of punishment regimes as kids, but the worst was the Cod Liver Oil era.
Cod may be a good fish, and the oil from its liver may be good for you from a health standpoint, but cod liver oil is one of the most putrid, disgusting and horrific substances to ever enter the human mouth. Which is exactly why my mother used it to punish us. She was a virtuoso when it came to methods of discipline, an artiste with an impressive palette of punitive possessions. But cod liver oil was her tour de force because with it she could inflict the maximum amount of misery while knowing she was actually feeding us something healthy.
I was thinking about cod liver oil recently as I knocked off a cheeseburger and a side of fries. I was thinking, if Mom had punished us by making us eat massive amounts of cheeseburgers or tacos, I'd be one slim son-of-a-gun today. I'd hate cheeseburgers and tacos and would feast on lovely, healthy fish day after day.
But no, I despise fish, except for incredibly expensive ones like opakapaka. And then only when they are heavily doused in teriyaki sauce and burned on a charcoal barbecue until they have the taste and texture of, well, teri burgers.
Because of the Cod Liver Oil Protocol of 1962, I am addicted to cheeseburgers and am a serial abuser of tacos. At times in my life, I have been as big as a horse and actually once made a horse cry when I sat upon him (not to mention he also released a torrent of, uh, "bladder water" that washed away small buildings, caused birds to take flight and prompted a young girl to say, "Mommy, that fat man broke his horse.")
It's too bad that cod liver oil is responsible for my junk-food habit, because otherwise I could take part in the upcoming lawsuits blaming fast-food restaurants for turning so many of us into waddling butterballs.
The same lawyers who sued the tobacco companies now have turned their attention to fast-food companies, alleging they are fat pushers. Just as cigarette companies got people hooked on tobacco, McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Jack in the Box, KFC and other such joints have hooked us on huge portions of fat-laden food that cause many dangerous side effects such as heart disease and having to spend too much time in Big 'n' Tall stores.
These lawyers -- especially the grossly overweight ones -- know that we humans have no control over our feeding habits. We are weak, cravenly folk, unable to tell Ronald McDonald to take a hike. For years, I was afraid to order only ONE cheeseburger because they sold them in pairs and I didn't want to be seen as a troublemaker.
So it is good that these fat purveyors will be made to pay for their evil deeds. Burger and taco joints will one day be gone and, mothers willing, all be replaced by cod liver oil bars.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com