The Goddess Speaks
The Goddess Speaks
Relationships take patience, compromise
It's been so long since I was last in a committed relationship that it seems I forgot about all the giving and taking that go along with it. I forgot about the stupid little arguments. I forgot about the compromise of time. I forgot about the invasion of space (both physical and mental). I forgot about the democratic process in deciding what to do and with whose friends. I forgot that, to some extent, my life must change to accommodate the needs of another. I forgot that once you enter a relationship, life is different.Sometimes I wonder if my anxiety comes from the events (or non-events) surrounding my life. Is pursuing a professional degree making me unhappy? Did my summer job thrust me into the reality I call "I need to figure out what I'm going to do after graduation" a bit too forcefully? Does the pressure of wanting to be the best maid of honor one of my best friends can have at her wedding next month really make for an irritable me?
How much outside stress in my life can I attribute to my irritableness, and how much of my irritableness can be justified when I take my anger out on my significant other? Is it the stress, or is it him that makes me so angry? Does this mean I don't have what it takes to be in a committed relationship?
There are times when I know I am being quick-tempered and no matter how I try, I fail to suppress my utter discontent. It's like a violent eruption. I want to break something. I want to say mean things, and say them loudly. Sometimes I do. All at the expense of whoever is closest to me (a k a my significant other).
And when my bitterness finally subsides, I take a deep breath and things become clearer.
IT'S BEEN SO long since I was last in a committed relationship because I had never found someone I wanted to settle down with until now. That is what reminds me that I have found someone worthy of sharing my time and space. It is what makes the compromises less painful. It is what teaches me that change is not always negative. It is the support of another that should get me through the stressful times. That's part of the support process.
On my more relaxed days, I take a step back and look at my significant other and see clearly who he is. He is not there to annoy me, or make my life more difficult than it already seems. He accepts me, flaws and all. He is with me because he chooses to be. And without trying, he manages to remind me that along with the occasional bumps in the relationship road, there is a whole lotta good in our relationship.
Maybe I am cut out for this stuff after all.
Kathryn Kam is a second-year law student at the University of Hawaii, Richardson School of Law. "The Goddess Speaks" is a Tuesday feature by and about women. If you have something to say, write "The Goddess Speaks," 7 Waterfront Plaza, Suite 210, Honolulu 96813; or e-mail features@starbulletin.com.
The Goddess Speaks is a column by and about
women, our strengths, weaknesses, quirks and
quandaries. If you have something to say, write it
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